No winning

If I lied I lose myself

If I tell the truth I lose you.

Dear ***

*** are there ? I need to talk to you about somethings. I feel sheltered in my this body of mine. Am I not capable of loving. I distant myself from you. I saw myself in you. So many people throwing out this false image of what you are. This world has turned to shit. As a kid I always wondered what you were. The older I got the more I realized that you are inside of us all.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

Truth Hurts.

Everyone wants you to be happy.

Once you know something, it’s forever. Can’t take back the words and can’t just forget the truth.

The truth hurts- that’s why no one likes to hear it. Life sometimes can be funny. We have people all over the world trying to figure it out. Some get distracted by the superficial meanings in life, while others feel it so much that they just get lost in their own misery.

I failed in being myself and failed even more so at trying to be someone I am not. When you try and become something you’re not, you’ll get lost and do the unethical things rather than what your core stands for.

We are all humans at the end of the day, we all are one at the end of the night. Everyone has two things in common: Life and Death, the in-between is where we become different.

Life is continuous… God is real and living inside of us. Society- we are becoming slaves to what we see and what we think. I wish I can take my own advice; I just can’t, so I am not expecting you to take my advice either.

I view life as being different… I don’t see cancer as a sickness, rather I view it as a lesson. What was the lesson in going through what I went to through? I don’t think I understood the lesson.

Retell your story until you get it right. Find what you stand for and do it. Forget the bullshit and it’s okay to not want to be in the game to play an unfair game. Become your game. Forget washed up people that try and break you and move past the bullshit. You know you and no one else does.

Finding Inner Happiness

There was a time when this was real. It felt real. Maybe it stopped feeling real after I started talking to others about my pain. The pain I was causing others.

Don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken. Don’t hold judgement on things you don’t like. Life is full of experiences and the more we do,  the more we learn.

Imagine yourself happy… what would that look like?

Can we buy happiness or is happiness an inner feeling? To the people saying happiness can be bought, then I’m sorry to tell you… One day, that thing that you thought you could buy, you can’t. Things break and material wears off.

If more people wore their feelings on their faces, perhaps there would be more happiness.

Or maybe we need to feel pain, for happiness to come.

Throughout my journey I am understanding what it is like to live.
-Mouhamad Beydoun

Double sided conversation.

Knock knock!

Who’s there ?

Me.

Me, who?

It’s me, you. The person that has been with you for the last 27 years of your life. Can you let me in?

No.

What do you mean no?

I said NO!!

Why do you always do this?

Do what?

This.

Can you just leave me alone?

No, I can’t leave you alone. I let you be for a little while and now it’s time to man up and get your shit together.

What do you mean by get my shit together? I have it together.

You do?

Yes.

Can you explain to me how then do you have it together, if all you have been doing for the past three years is just waste our time. I get that people and experiences hurt you but you need to let that shit shape you instead. Let me tell you a story about yourself that no one will understand. You are different. In being different, that means you’re special, not everyone will get you, and not every needs to get you. You have everything and everyone around you to support you. Stop acting like a spoiled little child for once. I get that you went through a lot and I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I experienced it with you. I saw how hard you fought. You took over for a while, and now it’s my turn to take back who I am. There are parts of you love and some parts that are no longer needed. If you can find some moderation in your life, maybe, just maybe you will be okay.

Listen… stop thinking that you won this fight. I did.

We both did.

Stay woke

How I survived Cancer.

One way of how I survived cancer was letting go of all my old ways. In trying to let go of all my old ways, I got a bit tangled up. My ego is a fighter. My spirit is a child that fears. I am a Libra which represents balance, yet I had no balance.

Ever since I was a kid, I used my imagination. During Cancer, I was never worried about the chemo itself; I was more worried about my fantasy madden team. The child in me wasn’t pure. I grow up become him. He turned into this fighter.UNPURE FIGHTER. There was a civil war inside me. My good and bad fighting each other.

Let’s back track to before cancer. Low-self esteem and cancer don’t go hand in hand. Not knowing better of my past mistakes I opened up to world. My whole world came crashing down on me. I think I am a very logical person. A lot of people have there own agenda in this world. My agenda is to make this world a better place. Cant make this world a better place if I am not better. I love life. I get lost in life. I try and make everything around me happy to only feel lonely. This lonely child is a scared child. Never felt before. Ran and ran until one day I got tired of running.

I used to look up to this one person. This person was blood. In going through our own fights we tried to rekindle things. To only find out his foundation are still the same and mine are completely different.

My fighter is a person trying to be understood.I found this really amazing therapist. That I am starting to trust. I can’t trust no one not even myself at time. I react to a feelings. My fighter won the fight cancer. The fighter came from the child feeling like he was so misunderstood. This child wanted to be loved. Fuck being a man. Fuck being anything. I am a person that just want to enjoy life.

Family was here I was blinded. She was there and I WAS BLINDED. She is my everything. I used to never feel that way. I wanted the cake and extra. Youth is where we learn most of what we know now. If you have any-sense of self awareness you will start to blameing yourself for all of your actions. I was feeling guilt of never loving the people that loved me. MAN FUCK THIS YOUTH TALK. Look up to the people that really matter not the ones that have their best interest at heart. I was surrounding myself with people that wanted lust not love. When you have a good thing going for you don’t fumble it.

External family is family, Keep a distance. I mean it. Your valves might not add up. Have people in your life that will love you for you.

Meaning have people who will love your worst side. I screamed and fought to get to where I am. The ones that never cared made up this weird illusion of who I was. The one that did got to see this side of me.

Over the past weekend, two opportunities presented themselves to me: to follow a job and get back into the system or trying to fill a void of emptiness. Love is not always equal. I find myself lost in expressing what I want to say. I opened up to so many people, while I should have been only opening up to one. This one wasn’t really understanding me because I wasn’t understanding her. Life after cancer gives you a whole new perspective on life, as well as a lot of shame in feeling like you’re not worthy of what you’re becoming. A lot of us don’t understand what love is, maybe because we never understood what love was. Love is a four letter word; so is hate. Only thing is that love and hate are complete opposites but with loving something so much, it can turn into hate. Too much of anything is bad. I thought I loved outside people to only find out I was getting trapped in my own head. Right now on the phone, I have the only thing I ever loved helping my lost mind figure out its middle ground. When I felt like I couldn’t talk to her or express who I was, or when I felt like I lied too much in my past, that love turned to hate so I tried to fill this void with other people. Other people don’t love you, they love you for what they think you are. She loved me for everything.

Don’t Be depressed in a opressed world.

Everything in life dies. This moment will soon wash out and new memories of what life should be will live on. Don’t allow the demons that live in your head be there rent-free, the only free thing on this planet is happiness but we put labels on that by trying to follow other people in their own pursuit of happiness. Happiness cannot be bought or replicated.

Kindly let me help you or you will drown-

I never looked for help in my recovery. People always assumed they knew answers to the problems that I was facing, but the problem was that there was no problem, I was finally being real with emotions. I finally wanted to drown to learn how to swim. Never once did I know what my purpose was but my EGO made sure I remained content with who I was. The EGO is nothing more than what you created to protect you from a world full of opportunities.

Fuck society, and all its problems. Don’t allow your life to become a hoax. Don’t allow your reality to become what you see on television. Fly out of the birdcage that you were born into, Now you are a grown adult that can see and think for yourself. No need for the ego or anyone telling you how to live, define what god is to you and allow that to keep you happy and safe on the side because after all, we are going to have to be buried with yourself and not anyone else.

Let me really elaborate to you how important it is to state your feelings.

There are a lot of stupid people in this world. What I mean is there are a lot of people living with this sense of fear of not wanting to die and wanting to have to protect something that one day will soon be forgotten – just like there washed up dreams. Don’t be one of those people. It’s okay to fail but it’s not okay to dwell on failure.

Hey anyone still reading – I want to have a real heart to heart with you. I appreciate your existence on this beautiful planet… I just want to let you know it is okay to be a loner because after all, you did come out of this planet alone and you will leave this planet alone. Not trying to be depressing – just trying to make you realize how important it is to believe in yourself. The only person or thing or source of fkn energy that can tell you that you CAN AND YOU WILL. Not the voices of the oppressed people that are now depressed because they listened to someone that told them NO.

I am a strong believer in empowering yourself. I also notice that we judge people based on actions and ourselves based on intention. I will say this nicely, and I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. To any person that made me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit, I thank you for giving me a voice. For the ones that don’t get me, or ignore me, thank you also for allowing me to keep on having a voice, and for the people that helped me and made me able to remain here- I love you. I wake up every day now learning a new truth about who I am and not what the fuck you or the systems want me to become.

Right now, a miracle is being performed- the cells inside you are helping you stay alive without you even knowing it. Stop looking for the miracle because you ARE the miracle. God won’t give you an extra life, God won’t fix any of your debt, or the color of your hair. Religion may keep you in the state that you are in, it may keep your ego intact and make you protect something that one day wasn’t even really here because there is now and now is here. Be good at what you do, be humble and content. Learn how to ignore the bullshit because God can’t fix that. One thing that God promised us was death so don’t die before you live.

God could fix you if you believe in you

Mind OVER Body

Pain comes from suffering. Ask yourself this question: how many times are you going to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and dwell on tomorrow’s comings because of today’s pain? Now, I am not a rocket scientist, but I do know that this pain comes from a place of deep emotions that haven’t been forgotten or better yet, even understood. Why fall victim to a thought? Isn’t an idea something that you can control as a person? Today, I saw the world for what it was; a planet — nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t expecting anything but good to come out of today because I wasn’t facing a false version of myself anymore. I was able to recognize my own consciousness. Me for me. Not for my body, or for the image that others saw me as. I accepted who I was and it felt good; no one was able to correct me or tell me I was wrong. I was able to shut off my pain body and also my ego – both of which are no good to a person. With that, I was seeing clearly for the first time for a really long time. I was no longer a victim of what yesterday has done for me, and I was for sure not even thinking about tomorrow because today was so kind of a feeling. I do know that it doesn’t matter how much you say you want something- it will always start with you. Change doesn’t happen if you can’t acknowledge what is causing the pain. I know I’m crazy for saying this, but when someone is pleased, they can forget that time doesn’t exist and go anywhere they want to go in life. I read this quote that made me think: In order not to die, you must die before death; therefore, there is no death.

don’t count the days, make the days count

Manifest what you want out to the world.

A couple of years back I purposed to my fiancé. Impulsive but rational impulsive decision, here the thing I just got my clean bill of health and with that, I knew that death was near and that what I once lived for was now all put behind. Every year I would make a false promise or fake new years resolutions. Whether it was quitting smoking or losing weight. I would always fail because after Jan 1st my hope for change was gone because life started to become normal. One year, losing weight and quitting smoking came by force. It didn’t come by choice but came with the desire to live. One year, I wanted to quit so bad, and instead of doing it the normal way, the universe showed me that false promises get you nowhere. Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.

I remember my first ever new years back home from the hospital after I was given my clean bill of health. Extremely tired that night. I remember that night just like it was this year’s new years. I remember the jackpot of the mega millions was the largest ever. That day I had 20 dollars to my name and bought me 20 tickets. I knew that my chances were slim to none but I had a really real feeling for that quick minute. I tried for a second to plan out my life with all the money and what it would do for me. It made me want to push really hard to work for a future to payback the people that gave me everything. My first time ever really keeping a new years resolution tradition started 3 years ago.

In 2016 I almost lost that same very pretty green-eyed girl that I have plastered all over. In 2016 I learned that I took adverting of people that loved me. I was getting too comfortable living in the cancer stage that I never really saw tough love. This got really hard when I started seeing everyone as an enemy rather than a person that cares. When you come from a place of hurt and put out of your norm, you begin to experience things that make no sense to you. A perfect example is one summer, my family and I were driving up to the Poconos, but I was feeling so disconnected from the very people that sat with me by my bedside. I just felt so much hate and anger towards the smallest things. Also, in 2016, cancer wasn’t the problem anymore. That same year, I made a promise that in 2017, I would try and figure out all of my lost emotions. 2017 was probably my greatest year in just figuring out who I am as an adult, as a man. My whole life I was impulsive, but 2017 was impulse mixed with anger; leading to figuring out how to slow it down. Sometimes it takes breaking down to your core to reshape your whole perspective and realize that you’re the problem. The world won’t change for you, but you can change the world. I had dreams that were once valuable to me taken away and it brought me to an unknown world – the cancer world where I learned that everyone experiences similar things.

What ringing in this year taught me is that you don’t have to wait for a new year to start the “new me” mentality. When you wait for a certain date to take action, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This world’s rotation is what keeps you grounded, so you trying to stop that or change that just wouldn’t make any sense. I also just want to say embrace the people that love you and if they impacted you, make sure to tell them that. I have learned that time is very limited and cannot be reversed so really start implementing change now for that tomorrow may never come.

Rest In Peace Amanda, Jeremy