No winning

If I lied I lose myself

If I tell the truth I lose you.

Narcissism, Self-centered, Fraud, Fake.

Label me. I don’t really care anymore.

Speak opened minded, self-reflect on your own self. No one can save somebody that doesn’t want to save themselves.

Dear people, I don’t know who this will reach, I hope it reaches somebody that needs it the most.  We are all going through something in Life. I want to first thank the people who believed me in and I let them down.

Deep down somewhere in my heart lays a compassionate soul. There are many different layers under the surface of my being.

I am grateful enough to be where I am now. I have one of the best families in the world and it’s time I start doing for them what they did for me.

Sometimes Parents can be confusing, they don’t listen, they try and discipline you, ten years too late. They always have their best intentions at heart. Somewhere in life, we get hurt mentally, and then we stop growing emotionally.

Hurting doesn’t need to be forever, hurting stop when you figure out that sometimes, we need to self-reflect on what really matters.

Self-reflecting isn’t always blaming yourself, it’s accepting that you are human, it’s telling yourself that nothing in the past will define who you are today.

I try and talk about being yourself, We are all one race at the end of the day separated by religion and dumb politics, we are divided. Seeing end of life makes you not be able to see current life at times.

I am good where I am right now. What I don’t understand is someone who is positive 24/7, find me a person that is happy all year round. I’ll find you a million who aren’t. I give credit to those who mask their pain. Life is all pain. We one day will die, our energy will never die but we will. Masking is like trying to dry a surface with wet paper, it will just make everything messier.

BTW I am not the best writer, I am good at expressing myself. I’ll make it one day.

ps. Introduce yourself, I would love to get to know you guys.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.

Truth Hurts.

Everyone wants you to be happy.

Once you know something, it’s forever. Can’t take back the words and can’t just forget the truth.

The truth hurts- that’s why no one likes to hear it. Life sometimes can be funny. We have people all over the world trying to figure it out. Some get distracted by the superficial meanings in life, while others feel it so much that they just get lost in their own misery.

I failed in being myself and failed even more so at trying to be someone I am not. When you try and become something you’re not, you’ll get lost and do the unethical things rather than what your core stands for.

We are all humans at the end of the day, we all are one at the end of the night. Everyone has two things in common: Life and Death, the in-between is where we become different.

Life is continuous… God is real and living inside of us. Society- we are becoming slaves to what we see and what we think. I wish I can take my own advice; I just can’t, so I am not expecting you to take my advice either.

I view life as being different… I don’t see cancer as a sickness, rather I view it as a lesson. What was the lesson in going through what I went to through? I don’t think I understood the lesson.

Retell your story until you get it right. Find what you stand for and do it. Forget the bullshit and it’s okay to not want to be in the game to play an unfair game. Become your game. Forget washed up people that try and break you and move past the bullshit. You know you and no one else does.

Finding Inner Happiness

There was a time when this was real. It felt real. Maybe it stopped feeling real after I started talking to others about my pain. The pain I was causing others.

Don’t try to fix something that isn’t broken. Don’t hold judgement on things you don’t like. Life is full of experiences and the more we do,  the more we learn.

Imagine yourself happy… what would that look like?

Can we buy happiness or is happiness an inner feeling? To the people saying happiness can be bought, then I’m sorry to tell you… One day, that thing that you thought you could buy, you can’t. Things break and material wears off.

If more people wore their feelings on their faces, perhaps there would be more happiness.

Or maybe we need to feel pain, for happiness to come.

Throughout my journey I am understanding what it is like to live.
-Mouhamad Beydoun

Outcast

We are People. Humans that feel feelings. We are more than just flesh. Underneath our flesh lives the soul. I have been so lost in trying to find myself.

I used to think that everything was okay. Everything will eventually be okay in the end. I live for things that most people won’t and don’t understand, Inside me there are feelings that have been burnt out from the fire within me. In each of us there are things that burn.

We are all on different levels of this thing called life. People have this sense of believing what they believe because it makes them feel at peace with what this world is. That is okay, the only time where it doesn’t become okay is when we start to make another person feel wrong about what they do.

Growing up I had a lot of freedom. I also didn’t fit in well with others. I was always trying to fit in. I never fit in. I’ve accepted that. Its not like I don’t want to adapt, I don’t..I just don’t want to.

I know what your going to say ” well you will never change”, ” you will never grow”, ” Get over whatever it is that hurt you in the past because your are better now”. My response will be live your life and i’ll live mine.

One thing about me lately is that I want to honest, and honest doesn’t work in this world. Most people cannot accept honest. Like I said before people have their own belief to what this world is.

We forget god. What is god? God is good.. then why are we so bad. People say this is in the name of god. If god can control this world and our thought then god wouldn’t allow bad to happen. God is pure and human can be evil.

I go off topic a lot. I ramble about things that affect my day to day. Life before everything was okay. I would wake up go to work come back home and repeat the same old routine. Can I ask you a question? what is the purpose you get up for in the morning ? is it to be liked on instagram? Or maybe to hear who dissed who in the rap game. Drama is a distraction and I am guilty of it. I get caught up in the bullshit of life and forget how strong I am. This fighter needs to stop fighting.

When I was first diagnosed with brain cancer, I needed to fight. I didn’t know how too. I had no control of what this fighter was going to do or act. This fighter didn’t want to give up. This fighter won the fight and is now trying to fight a world that would never understand him.

I am grateful that most people will never experience what I experienced, but I know people can find compassion.

Fear came to me one day after I woke up from this weird dream. Not a real dream but this life that I thought I was living. In my head I thought that I was okay, I was far from okay. I started living in a paranoid state of mind. This high both mentally and physically started going against me.

I only know my own personal experience from this world as you should know your own. we are people that have a story to tell. This world works two ways but sometimes its okay to let it only work on way, People something need to fill there own ego, Let them because you are stronger then that to know life is more then just flesh.

Don’t allow anyone to rob you from your spiritual side. Do what makes you comfortable as a person to be yourself.

Stay woke

How I survived Cancer.

One way of how I survived cancer was letting go of all my old ways. In trying to let go of all my old ways, I got a bit tangled up. My ego is a fighter. My spirit is a child that fears. I am a Libra which represents balance, yet I had no balance.

Ever since I was a kid, I used my imagination. During Cancer, I was never worried about the chemo itself; I was more worried about my fantasy madden team. The child in me wasn’t pure. I grow up become him. He turned into this fighter.UNPURE FIGHTER. There was a civil war inside me. My good and bad fighting each other.

Let’s back track to before cancer. Low-self esteem and cancer don’t go hand in hand. Not knowing better of my past mistakes I opened up to world. My whole world came crashing down on me. I think I am a very logical person. A lot of people have there own agenda in this world. My agenda is to make this world a better place. Cant make this world a better place if I am not better. I love life. I get lost in life. I try and make everything around me happy to only feel lonely. This lonely child is a scared child. Never felt before. Ran and ran until one day I got tired of running.

I used to look up to this one person. This person was blood. In going through our own fights we tried to rekindle things. To only find out his foundation are still the same and mine are completely different.

My fighter is a person trying to be understood.I found this really amazing therapist. That I am starting to trust. I can’t trust no one not even myself at time. I react to a feelings. My fighter won the fight cancer. The fighter came from the child feeling like he was so misunderstood. This child wanted to be loved. Fuck being a man. Fuck being anything. I am a person that just want to enjoy life.

Family was here I was blinded. She was there and I WAS BLINDED. She is my everything. I used to never feel that way. I wanted the cake and extra. Youth is where we learn most of what we know now. If you have any-sense of self awareness you will start to blameing yourself for all of your actions. I was feeling guilt of never loving the people that loved me. MAN FUCK THIS YOUTH TALK. Look up to the people that really matter not the ones that have their best interest at heart. I was surrounding myself with people that wanted lust not love. When you have a good thing going for you don’t fumble it.

External family is family, Keep a distance. I mean it. Your valves might not add up. Have people in your life that will love you for you.

Meaning have people who will love your worst side. I screamed and fought to get to where I am. The ones that never cared made up this weird illusion of who I was. The one that did got to see this side of me.

Over the past weekend, two opportunities presented themselves to me: to follow a job and get back into the system or trying to fill a void of emptiness. Love is not always equal. I find myself lost in expressing what I want to say. I opened up to so many people, while I should have been only opening up to one. This one wasn’t really understanding me because I wasn’t understanding her. Life after cancer gives you a whole new perspective on life, as well as a lot of shame in feeling like you’re not worthy of what you’re becoming. A lot of us don’t understand what love is, maybe because we never understood what love was. Love is a four letter word; so is hate. Only thing is that love and hate are complete opposites but with loving something so much, it can turn into hate. Too much of anything is bad. I thought I loved outside people to only find out I was getting trapped in my own head. Right now on the phone, I have the only thing I ever loved helping my lost mind figure out its middle ground. When I felt like I couldn’t talk to her or express who I was, or when I felt like I lied too much in my past, that love turned to hate so I tried to fill this void with other people. Other people don’t love you, they love you for what they think you are. She loved me for everything.

When heart and brain come to tranquility

When reality becomes fiction, the world starts to become a really scary place. I felt like the world doesn’t care. I know I am a fuck up at times, but let me explain. For me to always say that death shouldn’t be feared doesn’t mean I’m not being empathetic with people – I just mean that there’s no logical meaning to fear something that is given. I’m tired of being in this dark place and after being on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past 36 hours, I had my biggest breakthrough.

I never wanted to be a self-centered person. My heart was full of compassion, full of life, full of empathy until one day, my life came crashing down. Imagine your world crashing down in front of you. You have all the tools in front of you, but were never given the “manual”. I wanted to die after beating cancer and take it for what it is, but the fact that I am saying that makes me realize why I hate myself. Regardless of what people say about you or anyone, nothing would ever matter because noone knows what you go through on a day-to-day basis which is actually building you up to who you are now. You can be called all the names in the world but at the end of the day how you feel about yourself before going to sleep is what really matters. Don’t ever stop being a child. I think like a child, I act like a child, therefore I am a child.

I want to really be loved and to love. I have been with my fiancé for nine years. I would stop the world’s rotation for her. When you have your values all fucked up, your life becomes fucked up. We all get hurt in life, but if we allow hurt to remain, then hurt will always be hurt. Regardless of which way you look at hurt, it needs to be understood. If you keep getting burnt by the same flame, there will be no one else left to blame. I can be a bit poetic if I really want to.

Pay attention to when somebody is mad. When I am mad, I tell the truth in how I feel. About a week ago, my fiancé told me that I was self-centered and a narcissist. In the past, I would have made a pity party and disrupted everyone because of a need to be heard. I felt that my problems were so strong that I needed to let them out. Letting them out is fine but there is a time and place for everything. I had all my values so fucked up, that I wouldn’t speak to any therapist because of past hurt experiences and I started getting tired of explaining, so I started smoking a lot more to escape my past pains. This was creating more problems for future pain. Everything I love, or everything I think of love, I kind of overlove. That, also, is a problem. I have problems with problems but I don’t dwell on them. I try to figure them out and inspire others to do the same.

A part of me gets paranoid and I question people’s motives only because I can’t trust my own. This comes from a place of feeling like my own body lied to me, or let me down. I was told that there was nothing wrong with me prior to my diagnosis and that everything was fake, but it turned out to be cancer. People will sit there and not have the right words at times to say to you, will dismiss you if what you say doesn’t match up with what they learned. Life is all about teaching and applying. You can’t just learn and not apply. The second you obtain knowledge, you apply it. After you apply it, you can understand it.

I would accumulate all this knowledge but sit in my basement, not applying. We’re all capable of self-awareness. We’re all capable of controlling our emotions. We’re all capable of learning. We’re all capable of doing anything we put our minds to. If only we can get a grip on our emotions. Being paranoid is a scary feeling. When you throw away God, or the sense of God, you know you’re in a really fucked up place. How could one thing really fuck up my life so bad? I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is all perfect, but I’m aware of my own bullshit. The next time you think bad about yourself, understand that we all have our own issues.

At times, I feel lost. I just sit in bed repeating the same old cancerous cycle. Sorry if that offended you, but I can no longer be triggered by the same old pity. I feel like everything is a personal attack based off of my initial feeling of intent. I always have good intentions but someway, somehow, after I’ve been lied to and deemed crazy for the past two years, I started to think that nothing I said made sense. I can sit there and blame my father for not teaching me how to be a man, but in reality, all I’m doing is playing the victim card.

I look for moderation through impulse. That may sound ironic, but it’s all that I know. From all I know, I’ll still grow through past failures and having real human to human connections. You can’t expect me to reach out all the time and also can’t expect to just use people. We judge people based off their actions but ourselves based off our intentions. I can never know your intentions because you’re you and I’m me. Communication is key. The end goal is we all want to be loved. Don’t be a monster with your love. Learn how to contain the fire within because the heart thinks with feelings but the brain thinks with logic. There is a love-hate relationship within you if you keep allowing that fire to burn in your heart.

Don’t Be depressed in a opressed world.

Everything in life dies. This moment will soon wash out and new memories of what life should be will live on. Don’t allow the demons that live in your head be there rent-free, the only free thing on this planet is happiness but we put labels on that by trying to follow other people in their own pursuit of happiness. Happiness cannot be bought or replicated.

Kindly let me help you or you will drown-

I never looked for help in my recovery. People always assumed they knew answers to the problems that I was facing, but the problem was that there was no problem, I was finally being real with emotions. I finally wanted to drown to learn how to swim. Never once did I know what my purpose was but my EGO made sure I remained content with who I was. The EGO is nothing more than what you created to protect you from a world full of opportunities.

Fuck society, and all its problems. Don’t allow your life to become a hoax. Don’t allow your reality to become what you see on television. Fly out of the birdcage that you were born into, Now you are a grown adult that can see and think for yourself. No need for the ego or anyone telling you how to live, define what god is to you and allow that to keep you happy and safe on the side because after all, we are going to have to be buried with yourself and not anyone else.

Let me really elaborate to you how important it is to state your feelings.

There are a lot of stupid people in this world. What I mean is there are a lot of people living with this sense of fear of not wanting to die and wanting to have to protect something that one day will soon be forgotten – just like there washed up dreams. Don’t be one of those people. It’s okay to fail but it’s not okay to dwell on failure.

Hey anyone still reading – I want to have a real heart to heart with you. I appreciate your existence on this beautiful planet… I just want to let you know it is okay to be a loner because after all, you did come out of this planet alone and you will leave this planet alone. Not trying to be depressing – just trying to make you realize how important it is to believe in yourself. The only person or thing or source of fkn energy that can tell you that you CAN AND YOU WILL. Not the voices of the oppressed people that are now depressed because they listened to someone that told them NO.

I am a strong believer in empowering yourself. I also notice that we judge people based on actions and ourselves based on intention. I will say this nicely, and I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. To any person that made me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit, I thank you for giving me a voice. For the ones that don’t get me, or ignore me, thank you also for allowing me to keep on having a voice, and for the people that helped me and made me able to remain here- I love you. I wake up every day now learning a new truth about who I am and not what the fuck you or the systems want me to become.

Right now, a miracle is being performed- the cells inside you are helping you stay alive without you even knowing it. Stop looking for the miracle because you ARE the miracle. God won’t give you an extra life, God won’t fix any of your debt, or the color of your hair. Religion may keep you in the state that you are in, it may keep your ego intact and make you protect something that one day wasn’t even really here because there is now and now is here. Be good at what you do, be humble and content. Learn how to ignore the bullshit because God can’t fix that. One thing that God promised us was death so don’t die before you live.

God could fix you if you believe in you

Mind OVER Body

Pain comes from suffering. Ask yourself this question: how many times are you going to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and dwell on tomorrow’s comings because of today’s pain? Now, I am not a rocket scientist, but I do know that this pain comes from a place of deep emotions that haven’t been forgotten or better yet, even understood. Why fall victim to a thought? Isn’t an idea something that you can control as a person? Today, I saw the world for what it was; a planet — nothing more, nothing less. I wasn’t expecting anything but good to come out of today because I wasn’t facing a false version of myself anymore. I was able to recognize my own consciousness. Me for me. Not for my body, or for the image that others saw me as. I accepted who I was and it felt good; no one was able to correct me or tell me I was wrong. I was able to shut off my pain body and also my ego – both of which are no good to a person. With that, I was seeing clearly for the first time for a really long time. I was no longer a victim of what yesterday has done for me, and I was for sure not even thinking about tomorrow because today was so kind of a feeling. I do know that it doesn’t matter how much you say you want something- it will always start with you. Change doesn’t happen if you can’t acknowledge what is causing the pain. I know I’m crazy for saying this, but when someone is pleased, they can forget that time doesn’t exist and go anywhere they want to go in life. I read this quote that made me think: In order not to die, you must die before death; therefore, there is no death.

don’t count the days, make the days count

Manifest what you want out to the world.

A couple of years back I purposed to my fiancé. Impulsive but rational impulsive decision, here the thing I just got my clean bill of health and with that, I knew that death was near and that what I once lived for was now all put behind. Every year I would make a false promise or fake new years resolutions. Whether it was quitting smoking or losing weight. I would always fail because after Jan 1st my hope for change was gone because life started to become normal. One year, losing weight and quitting smoking came by force. It didn’t come by choice but came with the desire to live. One year, I wanted to quit so bad, and instead of doing it the normal way, the universe showed me that false promises get you nowhere. Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.

I remember my first ever new years back home from the hospital after I was given my clean bill of health. Extremely tired that night. I remember that night just like it was this year’s new years. I remember the jackpot of the mega millions was the largest ever. That day I had 20 dollars to my name and bought me 20 tickets. I knew that my chances were slim to none but I had a really real feeling for that quick minute. I tried for a second to plan out my life with all the money and what it would do for me. It made me want to push really hard to work for a future to payback the people that gave me everything. My first time ever really keeping a new years resolution tradition started 3 years ago.

In 2016 I almost lost that same very pretty green-eyed girl that I have plastered all over. In 2016 I learned that I took adverting of people that loved me. I was getting too comfortable living in the cancer stage that I never really saw tough love. This got really hard when I started seeing everyone as an enemy rather than a person that cares. When you come from a place of hurt and put out of your norm, you begin to experience things that make no sense to you. A perfect example is one summer, my family and I were driving up to the Poconos, but I was feeling so disconnected from the very people that sat with me by my bedside. I just felt so much hate and anger towards the smallest things. Also, in 2016, cancer wasn’t the problem anymore. That same year, I made a promise that in 2017, I would try and figure out all of my lost emotions. 2017 was probably my greatest year in just figuring out who I am as an adult, as a man. My whole life I was impulsive, but 2017 was impulse mixed with anger; leading to figuring out how to slow it down. Sometimes it takes breaking down to your core to reshape your whole perspective and realize that you’re the problem. The world won’t change for you, but you can change the world. I had dreams that were once valuable to me taken away and it brought me to an unknown world – the cancer world where I learned that everyone experiences similar things.

What ringing in this year taught me is that you don’t have to wait for a new year to start the “new me” mentality. When you wait for a certain date to take action, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This world’s rotation is what keeps you grounded, so you trying to stop that or change that just wouldn’t make any sense. I also just want to say embrace the people that love you and if they impacted you, make sure to tell them that. I have learned that time is very limited and cannot be reversed so really start implementing change now for that tomorrow may never come.

Rest In Peace Amanda, Jeremy

Thankful for Everything

[2015] Thanksgiving

Two days before Thanksgiving, my counts were rising up while my self-esteem was falling. The moment I was waiting for – after being isolated in a room just to myself and my thoughts – I was finally going to be able to see freedom again. I was super excited for turkey and it was extra special because my mom usually doesn’t make turkey but she agreed to this year because of me coming home. See, all I really thought about was going back home. I thought I defeated cancer the second I walked out of that hospital but so many more emotions hit me. I didn’t feel happy; I felt scared. I felt that the further I was from the hospital, the further I was from home and that something bad would happen to me. The only instructions I got at discharge was to make sure to keep my environment clean and not to eat outside food for 3 months until I get better. They promised to check on me from time to time. The only thing they didn’t give me instruction for was how to hold back my feelings.

The following day, I was home and I remember feeling like everything was overwhelming – a bunch of lost faces showing me lost emotions that they never felt before. It was a bunch of emotions that people can’t fake. People took my opioids, trying to hide them while I was in pain because of their own fears. This led me to being very protective about pretty much anything & made me try to reject a person (and their desire to help) before they had the chance to reject me. I have fully accepted everything about me. I crave human-human interaction but I’m fast to dismiss because I just don’t want to get hurt anymore.

That same Thanksgiving, I almost died. I was rushed back into Mount Sinai’s ED due to complications of not eating and being dehydrated. I remember the day vividly – I was watching the Eagle game and could smell the stuffing of the turkey roasting, hearing the excitement of my mom’s voice downstairs. At the same time, she heard me downstairs vomiting and complaining. I was, instantaneously, no longer spending Thanksgiving eating turkey but was in my first ever ambulance into the city. Picture this: your field of view includes just a small window of the back door of the ambulance while your strapped down to the stretcher. You’re imagining everyone living their life and enjoying their day while you’re throwing up stomach acid. Pretty shitty feeling.

So, at Mount Sinai, instead of eating Turkey as I said before, I was being treated for non-stop nausea. I had an adverse reaction to the new anti-nausea medication they tried on me. This is where I felt like I was dying… my fiance was sitting across from me and nothing she was doing or saying was making sense to me… I felt so confused. I remember questioning everything that was happening, not understanding what was going on. My neck jolted one way while my hand went the opposite. I couldn’t speak but on the inside I had enormous energy trying to escape. There was 5-6 faces that came to mind that I felt like I was going to miss – telling me that if it was my time, I should have spent more time (with them). This was also the first time throughout my whole cancer treatment that I saw her break down. She never showed fear until that day and it looked very scary.

[2017]

This Thanksgiving

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Here are all the things I’m thankful for: I am thankful for life, for health, for every single person that sat there and heard me cry, laugh… and I’m also extremely thankful for every person that told me “sorry”, that felt bad for me, that showed me pity, that ran away from their feelings, that tried to dismiss me as a broken kid because they are the reason I have my voice today. They are also the reason I am very thankful for life, but also want to change life. I feel that we should be thankful every single day: for opportunities not to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and simply being able to breathe air. There are so many things to be grateful for.

This Thanksgiving was completely different. I was home with the people that matter the most and we shared chicken (not turkey this time) which is fine by me because at least this time, I got to kick it in my room at the convenience of my time, writing out my thoughts. This is something I really enjoy doing. If I don’t write, I don’t know where I would be – probably just another statistic to a tragic loss. Always remember to show empathy and be thankful everyday, not just on a given holiday.