VOID

Cancer didn’t kill me; neither would your surface-level personality. It’s not the streets I trust; neither is it the people I meet. It’s the waves in the ocean and guidance in the breath that keep my feet on the ground. Wave’s being so unpredictable and air being life, I found the balance in the chaos we call order. If life had its limits, it wouldn’t be what we seem to find hard, being limitless in this thing we consume, we become the consumers of other’s beliefs, when words aren’t ours action become left without intent, leaving us looking for the feeling we call void.

No winning

If I lied I lose myself

If I tell the truth I lose you.

Self Blame

Move past the notion that fairytales exist. They don’t within itself is just an illusion waiting for the magician or so-called god to relieve itself.
I am just here to entrain the notion that there is what man calls self. There is a lot of things that we feel. We act on emotion rather than action.
Best believe both are as equally important when dealing with understanding yourself.
See patterns in people that you see within yourself. Don’t blame those patterns onto them. Blame yourself for not breaking free out of those patterns that became the prison bars to your life,
Setting yourself free isn’t something that one can do in relying on others for information. It understands that you are in control of how you feel, regardless of how spiteful or hurt the other person is going through.
Some people act out the pureness of spite not to make you feel like shit about yourself but to relate to their self misery. Laugh it up at the end of the day we all face this thing called death and that when we start to live. We hold true what will disappear in time, and we hold time like it’s never going to run out. We are all running out of it. Don’t take another second for granted and start to understand what others do or say to you isn’t about you.

You’re still here

Today I was thinking to myself, what is the point of doing anything if I am going to die one day. I then quickly told myself I am not dead yet. Won’t be dead for a while. I am here now and now is all I have.
After almost dying I was waiting to die without seeing what it was like living after almost dying. Everyone has an answer to a question that was never asked. I had an answer to my question that I never asked.
You can limit yourself to what you think you would be in a world that has endless opportunities.
There are always going to be good and bad in the world – without either, none would exist. The word exist is also the word being. Human which is us and being which in now makes a human being.
I am not fond of routine, structure, or planning. I am a big believer in trusting that whatever you set your mind to you will accomplish. I have learned how to master what I need; what Mouhamad Beydoun needs.
So many of us just exist forgetting about the human in us. We forget what it is like being a human. I try my hardest to be a good person. I am not always a nice guy… at times I give zero fucks and at other times I give the world my heart.
There are things that I need to start realizing: not everyone will understand what they want from the words or actions you let out, it is never your responsibility to change their mind or their viewpoint. You will lose too much of who you are. – Note to self
There are so many good people on this earth, we get blinded by the ugly, ugly will always outshine the good “if you allow it”.
If you were to talk to me six months ago, you would’ve thought I belonged in a mental health hospital. This thing called paranoia started to kick in. I was trusting people in thinking they could save me with me trying to save myself.
I still live with my parents, I still struggle to find a source of income to help me move out. However, I am doing what I love and doing what I want. Not a lot of people like to hear that because they never had the chance to really do whatever they wanted. Too stuck on thinking or waiting for other people’s opinion on them. I was one of those people.
I am always here to listen, I am always here to talk, I am always here with you at heart. Don’t rely on anyone saving you; save yourself. Show the world who you are raw and uncut, show the world a side of you that you want to be around at night when you are all alone and need that someone to tell you that everything will be okay.

HEART AND BRAIN

Life. We all have it, we all experience it differently.

I wanted to touch base on something that my experience taught me.

The heart and brain will never be one. They are not friends and will never be friends. My heart is depressed and my brain is overloaded with information.

Not all are equal, just like the heart is not equal to the brain. The brain fights for survival and logics. The heart fights for compassion, and fairness. We are loving beings at the end of the day.

What is the true meaning to life? I don’t think anyone knows. I don’t know much. I can’t even tell you what I want to do from this point out. I can tell you, though, that a smile is better than a frown.

A child is pure. A child doesn’t know what lies are. They are usually heartfelt and don’t understand what life is. Life is their playground until one day, someone shuts them up. Their brain registers a protection mechanism.

Life isn’t always rainbows and unfortunately, one day we grow old. Stupidity sells. . That has nothing to do with the heart. The heart feels, yet the brain is more logical. The heart knows it never dies, but the brain is aware. The internal battle we all face on a daily basis comes from the heart and the brain always fighting and coming into conflict with one another. They are never at peace.

Learn how to build boundaries around a broken heart.

Broken can be healed. Life isn’t always as it seems. What is right for us here isn’t always right for some one else far away. This world is separated. People are divided. There is a lot of real life issue that we face on a day to day basis. We get blinded in not wanting to feel anymore. We can’t always express ourselves because when we do, we get shut down.

Life is a blessing, a gift, a lesson to self reflect on what it is that makes your heart sing. Do something you love and the rest will follow. Don’t look into the bullshit.

All this comes from my own personal experience; none of this comes from me studying or doing anything other than living. We are all different, we are all one for one. We all have some sort of gift that this world needs to see. Don’t be afraid to shine your inner light. That’s what should shine in your darkest moments. I used to feel anger on the inside at times. I used to lash out and all this fire inside was becoming worse then a desert fire. I didn’t understand that this fire also had its own light. This fire set up my biggest light – the light of self reflection.

Comparison Is the Thief

I don’t really know where this is going.

I just turned 28 years old a couple of weeks ago. I feel like I am 90 years old. The more I say this the more I feel so confused. Life is confusing. Maybe I am just confused. I know somewhere deep within lays happiness. Happiness isn’t there anymore.

Confused about where I want to take my story.

Maybe I feel guilty for not loving myself after cancer, Maybe I feel regret for not helping others with sharing the best side of me. Maybe I just reached my breaking point, maybe its just my breakthrough, God knows.

Three years ago on Halloween, was one of the scariest moments in my life.

I was driving them on the highway and thought about the feeling of how scared I was. I remember spending that night in the city seeing people celebrating happiness dressed up in the costume. Here I was going into one of the scariest wars I would ever face. I remember tears coming down my face not knowing there was this fighter I still haven’t met.  This inner fight is strong, extremely strong. He survived cancer.

I get deep sometimes that is one of my core beliefs. I want to ask questions and always want people to be themselves, the fighter part of me fights the real part of me so I get confused a lot in trying to become something that I am not.

We are living in a world where being, isn’t really being. We are becoming self-absorbed in hating and feeling so lost that we cannot see straight anymore. Labels get thrown at you for maturing faster than others.

I used to love. I kill what I love. I let people down and in letting people I kill myself.

I tried saving others to only give a false image of who I was. Living Life after cancer isn’t the same as living life with it.

our prime years we go out exploring, in your 20’s your supposed to find out who you are, I was figuring out how to survive. In figuring it out, I keep getting lost. A real compliment feels so fake, maybe because it’s because that how I view myself as fake. I need to start taking better care of myself.

I overthink everything. Let’s get this story right this time. I don’t think anyone would understand, I gave away to much of my story to things that didn’t matter. I am learning how not to overreact to the small things.

I may have said this before, but F it, I’ll say it again.