don’t count the days, make the days count

Manifest what you want out to the world.

A couple of years back I purposed to my fiancé. Impulsive but rational impulsive decision, here the thing I just got my clean bill of health and with that, I knew that death was near and that what I once lived for was now all put behind. Every year I would make a false promise or fake new years resolutions. Whether it was quitting smoking or losing weight. I would always fail because after Jan 1st my hope for change was gone because life started to become normal. One year, losing weight and quitting smoking came by force. It didn’t come by choice but came with the desire to live. One year, I wanted to quit so bad, and instead of doing it the normal way, the universe showed me that false promises get you nowhere. Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.

I remember my first ever new years back home from the hospital after I was given my clean bill of health. Extremely tired that night. I remember that night just like it was this year’s new years. I remember the jackpot of the mega millions was the largest ever. That day I had 20 dollars to my name and bought me 20 tickets. I knew that my chances were slim to none but I had a really real feeling for that quick minute. I tried for a second to plan out my life with all the money and what it would do for me. It made me want to push really hard to work for a future to payback the people that gave me everything. My first time ever really keeping a new years resolution tradition started 3 years ago.

In 2016 I almost lost that same very pretty green-eyed girl that I have plastered all over. In 2016 I learned that I took adverting of people that loved me. I was getting too comfortable living in the cancer stage that I never really saw tough love. This got really hard when I started seeing everyone as an enemy rather than a person that cares. When you come from a place of hurt and put out of your norm, you begin to experience things that make no sense to you. A perfect example is one summer, my family and I were driving up to the Poconos, but I was feeling so disconnected from the very people that sat with me by my bedside. I just felt so much hate and anger towards the smallest things. Also, in 2016, cancer wasn’t the problem anymore. That same year, I made a promise that in 2017, I would try and figure out all of my lost emotions. 2017 was probably my greatest year in just figuring out who I am as an adult, as a man. My whole life I was impulsive, but 2017 was impulse mixed with anger; leading to figuring out how to slow it down. Sometimes it takes breaking down to your core to reshape your whole perspective and realize that you’re the problem. The world won’t change for you, but you can change the world. I had dreams that were once valuable to me taken away and it brought me to an unknown world – the cancer world where I learned that everyone experiences similar things.

What ringing in this year taught me is that you don’t have to wait for a new year to start the “new me” mentality. When you wait for a certain date to take action, you’re setting yourself up for failure. This world’s rotation is what keeps you grounded, so you trying to stop that or change that just wouldn’t make any sense. I also just want to say embrace the people that love you and if they impacted you, make sure to tell them that. I have learned that time is very limited and cannot be reversed so really start implementing change now for that tomorrow may never come.

Rest In Peace Amanda, Jeremy

Thankful for Everything

[2015] Thanksgiving

Two days before Thanksgiving, my counts were rising up while my self-esteem was falling. The moment I was waiting for – after being isolated in a room just to myself and my thoughts – I was finally going to be able to see freedom again. I was super excited for turkey and it was extra special because my mom usually doesn’t make turkey but she agreed to this year because of me coming home. See, all I really thought about was going back home. I thought I defeated cancer the second I walked out of that hospital but so many more emotions hit me. I didn’t feel happy; I felt scared. I felt that the further I was from the hospital, the further I was from home and that something bad would happen to me. The only instructions I got at discharge was to make sure to keep my environment clean and not to eat outside food for 3 months until I get better. They promised to check on me from time to time. The only thing they didn’t give me instruction for was how to hold back my feelings.

The following day, I was home and I remember feeling like everything was overwhelming – a bunch of lost faces showing me lost emotions that they never felt before. It was a bunch of emotions that people can’t fake. People took my opioids, trying to hide them while I was in pain because of their own fears. This led me to being very protective about pretty much anything & made me try to reject a person (and their desire to help) before they had the chance to reject me. I have fully accepted everything about me. I crave human-human interaction but I’m fast to dismiss because I just don’t want to get hurt anymore.

That same Thanksgiving, I almost died. I was rushed back into Mount Sinai’s ED due to complications of not eating and being dehydrated. I remember the day vividly – I was watching the Eagle game and could smell the stuffing of the turkey roasting, hearing the excitement of my mom’s voice downstairs. At the same time, she heard me downstairs vomiting and complaining. I was, instantaneously, no longer spending Thanksgiving eating turkey but was in my first ever ambulance into the city. Picture this: your field of view includes just a small window of the back door of the ambulance while your strapped down to the stretcher. You’re imagining everyone living their life and enjoying their day while you’re throwing up stomach acid. Pretty shitty feeling.

So, at Mount Sinai, instead of eating Turkey as I said before, I was being treated for non-stop nausea. I had an adverse reaction to the new anti-nausea medication they tried on me. This is where I felt like I was dying… my fiance was sitting across from me and nothing she was doing or saying was making sense to me… I felt so confused. I remember questioning everything that was happening, not understanding what was going on. My neck jolted one way while my hand went the opposite. I couldn’t speak but on the inside I had enormous energy trying to escape. There was 5-6 faces that came to mind that I felt like I was going to miss – telling me that if it was my time, I should have spent more time (with them). This was also the first time throughout my whole cancer treatment that I saw her break down. She never showed fear until that day and it looked very scary.

[2017]

This Thanksgiving

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Here are all the things I’m thankful for: I am thankful for life, for health, for every single person that sat there and heard me cry, laugh… and I’m also extremely thankful for every person that told me “sorry”, that felt bad for me, that showed me pity, that ran away from their feelings, that tried to dismiss me as a broken kid because they are the reason I have my voice today. They are also the reason I am very thankful for life, but also want to change life. I feel that we should be thankful every single day: for opportunities not to repeat yesterday’s mistakes and simply being able to breathe air. There are so many things to be grateful for.

This Thanksgiving was completely different. I was home with the people that matter the most and we shared chicken (not turkey this time) which is fine by me because at least this time, I got to kick it in my room at the convenience of my time, writing out my thoughts. This is something I really enjoy doing. If I don’t write, I don’t know where I would be – probably just another statistic to a tragic loss. Always remember to show empathy and be thankful everyday, not just on a given holiday.

A LETTER TO AN OLD FRIEND..

Why did you think that you could just come and did what you did? Who the fuck do you think you are? Let ME tell you something.. you made me heartless. You made me turn into this monster that no one wants to be around.

Continue reading “A LETTER TO AN OLD FRIEND..”