Cancer

The truth is that I am lost. Life without you has been terrifying. There is no codependent relationship anymore. With you, there was a purpose that lived inside. You gave me a purpose; you gave me an excuse.

I don’t feel much without, wish you would’ve erased me. A big part of me forgave you; I don’t think I forgive myself. I felt too much with you now; I feel nothing. Yes, I go through my phases, never look back, though. There is nothing there; there is only here which is now. Won’t be putting this much emotion by saying fuck you this time. This time I will say thank you, thank you for giving me the power to still be here without you this isn’t a breakup; it’s a growth. You will forever be a part of my life.

The Power of Imagination

 The power of imagination

Where it prevails is in between fantasy and reality.

I’ve always been the type of kid that lived in my head. Never conceding the emotion behind the character until the response became powerless. 

You ask yourself these mysteries, which leads to not knowing your self-worth at times.

This thing we call “self,” what is it? Is it who we are? Or is it the evaluation of others that made us who we are?

Going through cancer, this thing called “self” turned into a label.

Labels. Why do we label everything without really understanding the meaning? We show a lack of emotion towards something we don’t understand. We push people away when in reality what we want is to keep them close.

As a kid growing up, I lived in a sheltered box of my imagination. My imagination became my fairy tale, which allowed it to die in the eyes of others’ lack of imagination.

We pretend that who we are is just this thing we call “self.” When self is a bunch of things happening that led us to being. Being only happens in the present. We become what we are based on experience.

Words on words. We lose ourselves in the thought of what we think we are. Let it go.

We can’t go blaming everyone else for where we are now. Allow yourself to heal. Heal anything.   

Anything that leads to understanding, feel it. Don’t force the feeling of needing to feel. ” 


When there’s routine in life, life feels structured. There was a time when I was going through cancer. Yes I said going through cancer, because to me it doesn’t live with me now. It was a experience that I faced that allowed me to grow through the pain.

There was a set routine. I knew what I needed to survive. Life after cancer has been extremely different. Not difficult. Just different. The biggest thing I had to understand after cancer was the fact that not everyone understood what it meant to survive. Everyone’s perception can be fogged up at times as they base it on what they feel are their theories to life, which lead them to make their own decision based on what they knew at the time.

Theories are very subjective. Experience is very subjective. The only thing objective is our surroundings. How we perceive it is merely how we see it.

There were times in my life when I didn’t want to coexist in the world. There was no need to coexist. One day, you won’t be here. One day, this whole thing will be over. Don’t allow yourself to live a long life with no meaning; live a short life with intent. In time, everything will come back to a cycle, and this cycle, we call life. When we allow ourselves to live in an experience that can serve us, everything else is noise. White noise in the back, distracting us.

People will hate you for bringing out colors that make them feel insecure, or you’ll hate them for doing that to you. Regardless of whichever way it is, there is always a side of something that doesn’t make sense in the long run. Why do we take so many things, and turn them into reactions that leave us feeling so left out of the world?

Allow it.

The Numbing Feeling

Early summer of 2018, I went through a manic episode. My mental health was at it’s lowest. After cancer, they tell you that you became cured of the diseases. Your physical body may have recovered, but your insight on the way you view the world changes. Everyone is doing there best. Doing there best isn’t always the best for you; it’s best for them. 

Many of my cancer days were numb, infused with steroids to stop the inflammation in my brain—I became filled with much anger. 

The people that understood didn’t take it personally; they realized that it was part of the process. There was a handful of people that stayed throughout my most clouded fights. 

      The Numbing stage

There was a time that I needed to get off the opioids. A lot of it came from numbing. This word numbing, it’s has become such a part of who I am that. I forget what it’s like to feel anymore. When you are going through moments in life, you don’t see the bigger picture. You become fooled in the emotion. The other night I was drunk on the train, looking at this couple argue over something that seemed frivolous, so I tapped the guy on the shoulder and told him it’s not worth it. It’s not worth losing her over something narrow-minded. She smiled; he told me not to touch him. I got off the train and on my walk home, I realized that was me. I would get frantic at people who loved me. Who loved seeing me win. Sometimes we are dimmed by the moment we overlook the moment.

      Before The Manic Episode. 

In 2015 was diagnosed with the Central Nervous system after being misdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One night I went into the hospital after having an episode of double vision. At the time, I was unhappy with my life. I was following rather than listening to my heart. I never did drugs growing up. I never really cared for them, and I Didn’t even smoke weed in high school. It just wasn’t for me. 

In early 2015 I was introduced to Benzodiazepines. Benzodiazepine is a depressant. It is to treat depression and or anxiety. Every time I was labeled insane for thinking that there was something wrong with and someone telling me that there wasn’t, I would pop one of these pills, and the rest would be history from there. Going deeper into my diagnosis with CNS Lymphoma, In 2015 was introduced to Opioids, which is also a depressant. Drugs became a new way of numbing. 

My parents were happy that I survived cancer; they were scared for life after cancer. They wanted to see me go back into a society that nearly killed me. There are many things that you know when you need to rely on others to do stuff for you. 

After my cousin dies from an overdose, it woke me up. My cousin was a good guy; he was like me in many ways we grew apart over the years, but he always had a big heart. It’s usually the ones with the biggest hearts that numb.  

I ended up going to the clinic that was supposed to heal him from his addiction only to realize that this place wasn’t for me. As I Sitting in a waiting room, the energy felt dead; there was no life to experience. Across from me was a guy I started having a conversation by asking him why he was here. He responded that his girlfriend had an abortion, and he started using it again. I asked him what he was using; he responded by saying heroin. I thought to myself I am a cancer survivor shouldn’t I be somewhere else. After waiting a couple of hours to be seen by one of the nurses, I needed to take a drug test to make sure that I haven’t used any drug in the past 24 hours. I took the drug test and was clean of all drugs. They then told me to come back for a visit to see the doctor. Three days later, returning to the office, I see the doctor, and he came up with an action plan to help me get off the opioids. Leaving that day, I was sent home with a bunch of pills. These pills were worse than the opioids that I was dependent on. That night high off the Adderal, I ended up taking another medicine to help me sleep.

The next morning I woke up not understanding what I was feeling. I felt drunk, but I didn’t drink people were embarrassed to be around me; it was the Adderall that me feeling the way I was feeling. After expressing this to the doctor that I didn’t enjoy how these pills made me feel, he told me that I needed to believe in the program and come daily to be monitored. At this point, I was growing hopeless. I ended up leaving the clinic. Never going back and cut off the opioids cold turkey. I found this plant, cannabis. Cannabis helped me a lot; the more people rejected me for using it, the more I felt guilty in smoking it, the more guilty I felt, the more I numbed.

In 2017 I went into x-ray school. Being honest with my past, I told them that I smoked cannabis and that I had a registered medical marijuana card. They told me that it wouldn’t be a problem; however, when it came to the drug testing part, it became a problem. This lead to me having a bad rep with the school. The more I wanted to fit into the system, the more the system wasn’t for me. Everyone wanted to be normal; this was my regular. This thing call self-love or self-worth became a distant memory. The more I cared, the more I didn’t care. I remember a time I was doing rotation, and the patient came in with a broken arm; she was in much pain. One of the techs there was talking to her like she was stupid. She kept on elaborating to him that she understands the medical terminology. Being so burnt out from the job, he didn’t empathize with her. He Treated her like another task. Being in her shoes, I apologized on his behalf. She cried. She then thanked me. Sometimes caring too much can hurt. The more you care, the more the heart will get hurt. I ended up getting expelled from that school, due to my emotional state.

    The manic stage

It was a hot summer day; I haven’t slept in 48 hours high off my mind. I smoked another joint with the intent to sleep. That was when it all started. I started shivering, and I kept hearing noises inside my head. I close my eyes and started seeing patterns and shapes it. The best way I can describe it was that it looked like a dragon; it was vividly red and bright. The dragon seemed not to like me. For the first time, I had an adverse reaction to cannabis. Not understanding this feeling losing control, I ended up sleeping it off. One night I watched John wick; this is when it all went wrong. I started going neurotic. Feeling like I didn’t fit into a system smoking my life away, that there was something out there trying to kill me. When you suppress emotions for far too long, they come out and play. I tried to rebuild relationships with people that I thought needed to it; what is in the past is in the past. The more you think things need fixing, the less they don’t, some things are just there to teach us a lesson.  

           The end

The mind is the powerhouse of the whole body. The less you love yourself more, the more hurt you will get in life.

Five Years later

Usually, I would have shared this news instantly with the world. I walked into the year being five-year cancer-free. I was diagnosed with Central nervous system lymphoma at the age of 25 on this date four years ago. I have been through depression, I have been through my body changing on me, my mental health failing me. Throughout it all, I’ve gained insight also lost vision to what life means to me. I keep pushing through no need to hold on to past faded memories on what is l when life is happening now.

The truth about surviving Cancer

The truth about surviving brain cancer, you don’t die, but everything around you does.

The feeling of trying to understand this thing has left in a dark place. Everything has been moving fast, and I need to slow down before I lose a sense of what is happening around me.

Family is getting older, mom and dad won’t be here much longer, and here I am still trying to find out who I am. People walk in and out of my life like it’s a drug clinic giving out free methadone. They are only coming for the fix. They took from me a lot, and I gave a lot.

The one person I loved walked away from me, can’t blame her, though. She is a bright light. She got tired of waiting for things to happen. She held her own while I was still breaking and fixing pieces of me that I didn’t understand. She will probably say that this is an excuse; maybe she is right; it is an excuse of perhaps I just needed someone to love me a little harder.

Been shut down before that never stops me, I learn how to adapt and move past it; Nothing should be able to hurt me more than cancer. That should’ve been my biggest challenge in life.

People change, that is human nature. We are all subjects to our environment. We become what we chase after, empty sex, fast money, self-centered hearts.

( Note to self) wake up before it’s too late and you lose a sense of who you are.

Follow your path and allow others to follow their own. People are just people. Stop trying to hold anyone higher or lower than who you are.

It’s honestly funny seeing reality for what it is. It’s all a status game at the end of the day we forget what is essential in the end-all. It’s surrounding yourself with people who get you, and you get them, it’s having those deep conversation questioning what life is, and why we think the way we think. Not everyone is in it deep because they allowed the experience to show them another version of themselves, a mindless version, an egotistical version, a self-centered heart version.

No winning

If I lied I lose myself

If I tell the truth I lose you.

The Novel waiting to be read

Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.

It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.

It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.

When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.

I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.

It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.

When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.

Gas Lighting

I think too, deep. 

Emotions carry all this information that I try and understand over-analyzing my whole existence.

                                                        The intro

 Somewhere in life, we learn how to be who we are today. We compare who we are to the people that influenced us in our youth. I don’t want to get it depressing or get emotional about things because we all go through our problems. In general, we all faced one thing that made us who we are. Whether it was is our parents or our external family or our environment. We learned a lot of old habits of who we are today.

       post-Cancerous

Mental Health is key. We all suffer from it. We all have our ways of dealing with shit. We accept the love we think we deserve. We allow shit to stick when, in all reality, nothing makes sense. Everything that is happening is happening. This part of me is my logical side writing, the part that has zero emotions left to give. Emotionally drained from suppressing myself to make others happy. There are very few people I still feel for, my mom, my dad, my sisters, and this one other person we will remain nameless. Sometimes in life, we get lost we surround ourselves with people who feed into our ego. Who use and abuse us.

       pre-cancerous

Remember how I said we take the love we think we deserve? Regardless of how much love you give someone, they won’t know how to love you back. 

My logical side is telling me not to open up because I will be subjective to hurt. I will say it to it that I got this time won’t allow myself to worry anymore about what others are going to think of me. You acknowledge what you believe is right because what we believe is correct at the moment isn’t always right. If someone were to tell me that I would be where I was today ten years ago, I would say to them that they had no idea who I was. 

                                                      post-Cancerous

Who I am at twenty-nine is an unhealed man that didn’t know any better. There was this one person in my life. We will also leave them nameless. I looked up to this person, though they were the excellent people until one day I broke free of the Gas-lighting and started to feel me for a change. Start saying what does Mouhamad needs. This person didn’t like it that much, so ego-filled that they needed a reality check of their own. What I am trying to tell you is that some people are good at putting on this persona in saying that they are something that they are not. Learn how to trust your gut and tell yourself that it is okay not to be around people like that even if you love them. They don’t know what love is until either the person is dead or if that person wants nothing to do with them. They compete with themselves, always comparing what the other person has rather than focused on what makes them happy. 

                                       Pre-cancerous

I was looking up to people, rather than looking up to myself. I didn’t understand what it was like to be who I wanted to be, so I allowed other people the dictate my life. I Surrounded myself with people that matched my energy. They also didn’t know what it was like loving themselves; with sounding like a pessimist, I want to make it clear this is all self-realization. What is self-realization with actually doing things that will help benefit yourself?

The conclusion of this whole post is that understand yourself in learning how to accept all parts of you that need the attention of others gives it to yourself. Know that people will love you, and people will also hurt you. It’s how you react that makes you feel what you feel. Emotions repeat throughout life; you can suppress them to know that you are the only one that is in control of how you feel.

Dead Presidents

We worship dead people on paper. What if things were a little different. What if you started showing the world color to a colorless world. We are all trapped to something. Try and break free of what life throws at you. I wish you could see what it is like knowing what it is to die without really dying. Would you really think that life is more than what life really is?

I don’t preach, I speak, I don’t want you to know anything other than the self-love that you need to grow. Self= You love= you. Self-love is what life is all about.

Some of us become our parents growing up to only make our kids which is the cycle that never ends, unless becoming that change to that parent you needed when you were a kid.

I don’t need fixing, you don’t need fixing. We all need happiness and happiness starts with accepting what life is. Walk away from toxic things in life, become more than what you were yesterday. People will never understand you and at the end of the day, you don’t need to be understood. You need to understand yourself.

Take what you need from this or take nothing at all.

Four Years later a New outlook

We live in a world that is separated, divided, and, most importantly, depressed. Everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the outcast. There’s nothing wrong with being the outcast.

During my darkest moments, only a few people shined while others simply pretended to be there. The ones that shined have a special place in my heart. 

You see, I don’t have a problem in expressing who I am. I have nothing I want to show off to the material world. Even though “material” may be good at times, “material” isn’t what life is all about. 

My twenties were nice until I needed to wake up really fast and bring out every part of me to a game I wasn’t ready to play. We don’t fight wars alone. During war, each solider doesn’t need to agree with one another. In the real world, they need to compromise and destroy the enemy — that enemy, for me, was cancer.  

As time healed them in their own ways, it never really healed me. I saw the world for something else while my family remained stuck in their own war. What I mean is, they went back to what they knew this world as before. Them seeing me healthy was all they wanted. Was I really healthy though? I was healed, but FAR FROM HEALTHY. I’m still trying to figure out who this person was and is, and what to do with this new chance that I was given.

When a war ends, trauma begins. Sometimes, we get lost in winning the battle & we forget what we are fighting for.

What I fight for is a better life for me and my army, regardless of who doesn’t see the bigger picture. It’s my picture. 

As a previously sick person, I know the only thing a person wants when they are sick is to be healthy. 

I have a vision for what I want my life to become. It isn’t always easy for me to express myself. The best way I know how is to write. I love being able to just sit there and write, take pictures, and record videos. 

I remember the time I applied to radiography school. I wanted to become an X-Ray tech to help others. X-Rays saved my life, so I thought it would be a good way to help others in their recovery and give back. It was one of the worst things I could’ve done. I was trying to be Superman in a world that didn’t need it. A system where people take it as a paycheck and see each person as an RN number, I definitely wasn’t emotionally ready for that. Staff didn’t like my approach and told me that I had to remember to be a student, even though their techs were being very unethical at times. I learned that some things need to be kept unsaid for protecting your own sanity. There are a lot of sick people out there and when I say sick, I don’t mean physically — I mean mentally. They have their priorities all fucked up.

Opening up to others about something they will never understand is like trying to make a circle fit in a square… I don’t know where I came up with that, but that’s just how my brain operates. 

I smoked weed in my recovery. It took me 25 years of my life to do any kind of drug. Even writing this sentence makes me feel like I am committing a guilty act. I don’t understand why some people can’t just accept the fact that we are living in a new time… where there are other ways of healing, other than the traditional ones. I see my father with all his pills and just tell myself if only he could change his viewpoint and stop taking this poison. I feel like he’d be much healthier and happier.

Smoking, for me, turned into numbing and numbing made me stop caring. I talk a lot about people and how people live. I am not saying that I am better than other people. I have just been through a different experience. I’ve never dwelled on my misery of having cancer. Instead, I try to dwell on the knowledge to only notice that the knowledge I gained gave me a new insight on what life is.

I am not a scientist; I don’t know why some people die from cancer and others survive. However, I do know what I went through to not die. God didn’t save me; God could’ve saved a lot more people that deserved to be saved. The way we think, we become. 

I am in tune with the thing inside me… the thing that beats, that keeps me alive – my “heart.” The same heart that feels the pain of others, wanting to see them do better and not feed into hate. I also have a very powerful brain, a brain that thinks off logic rather than follows a trend. I still am a person, though, and I still have temptation just like the rest of the world. I need to feel grounded. If I don’t, then that means I am not human. So save me your perfect happily-ever-after for someone else.

Dark times pass

Today is February 12th everything on the top was when I was in a different state of mind. Today mark’s my four-year anniversary since I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I just want to thank My team. Today is also my dad birthday. 4 years ago today, we celebrated his birthday by finding out what was wrong with me. Even after finding out it was cancer, you remained thankful that I was still alive. You didn’t care about what cake or present you were going to get that night but more so if I was going to be okay. Last night, I tried to envision a world without you, and just couldn’t. I love you Dad .. really thankful that I have you around still and need to learn how to appreciate you a lot more because one day, I am no longer going to be able to just say hey Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABA!!

Breaking up, moving on

It’s not you that I hold onto. I don’t even miss you. I wrote about you before and felt completely empowered. Been checking up on you every now and then, you still never showed up. I can say that you standing me up has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. At times, I miss you. At times, I ask myself how did you fuck me up so much and just leave. Thinking I was going to be okay, just like that.
The voice you gave me made me feel like a complete idiot around a bunch of people that never understood you. What you are to me is something special, you have a special place in my heart. Even though we are no longer together, I still love you for all the things you taught me. I still fucking hate you for all the deaths you have caused.
People fear you, I did at one point thats why I held you so close. The more I spoke about you, the more I looked like an idiot. People telling me to move past it but little did they know I was trying… I failed. In failing, you are becoming more of a faded memory.
Time heals… others forget you. I only remember you more deeply. With you, life was like me trying to survive. Without you, life is where I am.
You made me lost in the way I think. From time to time, I try and remember how strong I was with you. Without you, I don’t have a excuse to fight.
Fighting with you isn’t a war. Forgetting you wasn’t always easy. You left a toxic taste in my mouth. As years go by, I tell myself that I am better. I am not though. I don’t really care about what I used to care about while I was with you. My parents don’t even care about you anymore. Everyone wants to forget you and tell me to move on. HOW? WHERE? I get that life without you is better.

This time of year gets hard from time to time. You become real and it’s like I can still feel your touch. The cold weather here reminds me of your coldness. I turned cold for a bit. It’s like the more I get ignored, the more I want to remember you. This feeling makes me feel like you are in all when you are nothing more than just something that most fear.

Remember how much you loved me that you almost tried killing me? Those were the days where I was my strongest. You made me lose sight in some ways. You were blinding me just like you were blinded in me. I really hope everyone you meet gives you the same treatment I gave you. Hopefully we’ll never meet again.

FUCK YOU, Thank you Cancer.

Sincerely, Mouhamad Beydoun

HEART AND BRAIN

Life. We all have it, we all experience it differently.

I wanted to touch base on something that my experience taught me.

The heart and brain will never be one. They are not friends and will never be friends. My heart is depressed and my brain is overloaded with information.

Not all are equal, just like the heart is not equal to the brain. The brain fights for survival and logics. The heart fights for compassion, and fairness. We are loving beings at the end of the day.

What is the true meaning to life? I don’t think anyone knows. I don’t know much. I can’t even tell you what I want to do from this point out. I can tell you, though, that a smile is better than a frown.

A child is pure. A child doesn’t know what lies are. They are usually heartfelt and don’t understand what life is. Life is their playground until one day, someone shuts them up. Their brain registers a protection mechanism.

Life isn’t always rainbows and unfortunately, one day we grow old. Stupidity sells. . That has nothing to do with the heart. The heart feels, yet the brain is more logical. The heart knows it never dies, but the brain is aware. The internal battle we all face on a daily basis comes from the heart and the brain always fighting and coming into conflict with one another. They are never at peace.

Learn how to build boundaries around a broken heart.

Broken can be healed. Life isn’t always as it seems. What is right for us here isn’t always right for some one else far away. This world is separated. People are divided. There is a lot of real life issue that we face on a day to day basis. We get blinded in not wanting to feel anymore. We can’t always express ourselves because when we do, we get shut down.

Life is a blessing, a gift, a lesson to self reflect on what it is that makes your heart sing. Do something you love and the rest will follow. Don’t look into the bullshit.

All this comes from my own personal experience; none of this comes from me studying or doing anything other than living. We are all different, we are all one for one. We all have some sort of gift that this world needs to see. Don’t be afraid to shine your inner light. That’s what should shine in your darkest moments. I used to feel anger on the inside at times. I used to lash out and all this fire inside was becoming worse then a desert fire. I didn’t understand that this fire also had its own light. This fire set up my biggest light – the light of self reflection.