Lost in the transition, I fell in the hole. Digging, I couldn’t get out; the further I went, the deeper it felt. Losing hope I saw no light, everything was just a big old mess, deeper I look the emptier it felt. Now I have this void, and I am searching for the fulfillment there. It was my reflection from the tears that lead me to where I am now.
Been through the pits and of hell and back. Don’t really have much to say. Seen enough to know that most of us are doing our best in making it another day. This void we feeling what is the root? Let’s go searching for it together or let’s get lost in the nonsense. Either or I’m down for both just know that whichever you we choose we’ll have to live with. Maybe it’s just a way of seeing a different side to this thing we call love or maybe it’s just another roadblock to end. Let’s just finish what we started before the world sees who we really are.
The search for freedom
Is it based on the color of the skin?
or is it more?
Is it based on our perception of the world?
Black, white, yellow, brown
That separate us
from being one
We say, “fuck the police”
I say, “fuck the ignorance”
To the small businesses out there,
investing all their money into the business being looted,
that had nothing to do with the bigger picture.
To all the troublemakers trying to cash in on a tragic situation
My question is,
What is freedom?
Because freedom isn’t free
The walls seemed tight, so I lean gasping for air I see a bright light. Closing deeper, the smaller I feel. Allowing these thoughts that seem like rapid tides hitting the sand’s surface, I resurface back into the moment being free of any idea, so, until only one day, I drown again.
When we go through trauma, our life becomes shattered.
Feel that, embrace it, allow yourself to understand that we are humans. We are all fucked up somehow. Sometimes we lose ourselves on the path to healing. We experience the feeling of void, blackness, and emptiness. Everyone goes through it.
Don’t let it consume your life. It will trigger addiction, leave you feeling depressed, and allow you to become someone you’re not.
Life has its ways of showing you where you need to grow. Who am I to tell you what you need to heal through life? I am no one. I am just sharing my viewpoints from experience. I lost people in life due to my not loving who I was.
I struggle with addiction. I have an extremely addictive personality. I don’t know any social norms, and some might even think I lack emotion in how I respond to them. I view life as if it’s nothing but a big game. Don’t do that.
During some pivotal moments in my life, I started to understand how fragile time is. Time doesn’t wait on anyone, and life doesn’t stop because you are having a bad day.
Whenever I reach the peak, I fall back down, scared to stand tall, thinking the past is who I am, allowing myself to remain stuck in low vibrations, never seeing past the horizon.
I started to hold back in how I feel, losing the ability to express what is going on from the inside out. Why do I fear standing out? Am I scared for someone to notice my potential or am I scared of myself seeing my own potential?
“Yo, what’s that scar on your head?”
I can either tell them the full story or I can tell them I was in a gang fight. Either way, both options won’t make sense. So I stopped answering. People want to know the pain you go through so that they can either A) feel for you or B) Be happy that what they are going through isn’t as bad as what you went through. Regardless of any outcome of any situation, there is always going to be a lack of understanding when it comes to experience. Not everyone understands what pain is, my pain isn’t the same pain as your pain. Pain is the root of the feeling but the experience behind the pain is different. I may react differently to what I feel pain is. That doesn’t mean my pain is less than your pain. Pain is pain.
It doesn’t matter where you stand; someone is always going to stand taller, regardless of how you view it. Learn how to let go of this idea of thinking that you know it all.
Experience leads us to beliefs. “Practical contact with and observation of facts or events.” That is the meaning of an experience. Each word has a sense, meaning it creates a moment in time, moments in time develop beliefs. The more we seem to understand, the more we notice that life is meaningless. I didn’t mean to offend you in telling you that your life has no meaning. Life on the grand scale has no meaning; the moments in them are the meanings we create for ourselves.
On the real though, pause for a second, ask yourself this question? Are your thoughts yours? Or is someone else controlling your thoughts?
The power of imagination
Where it prevails is in between fantasy and reality.
I’ve always been the type of kid that lived in my head. Never conceding the emotion behind the character until the response became powerless.
You ask yourself these mysteries, which leads to not knowing your self-worth at times.
This thing we call “self,” what is it? Is it who we are? Or is it the evaluation of others that made us who we are?
Going through cancer, this thing called “self” turned into a label.
Labels. Why do we label everything without really understanding the meaning? We show a lack of emotion towards something we don’t understand. We push people away when in reality what we want is to keep them close.
As a kid growing up, I lived in a sheltered box of my imagination. My imagination became my fairy tale, which allowed it to die in the eyes of others’ lack of imagination.
We pretend that who we are is just this thing we call “self.” When self is a bunch of things happening that led us to being. Being only happens in the present. We become what we are based on experience.
Words on words. We lose ourselves in the thought of what we think we are. Let it go.
We can’t go blaming everyone else for where we are now. Allow yourself to heal. Heal anything.
“Anything that leads to understanding, feel it. Don’t force the feeling of needing to feel. ”
When there’s routine in life, life feels structured. There was a time when I was going through cancer. Yes I said going through cancer, because to me it doesn’t live with me now. It was a experience that I faced that allowed me to grow through the pain.
There was a set routine. I knew what I needed to survive. Life after cancer has been extremely different. Not difficult. Just different. The biggest thing I had to understand after cancer was the fact that not everyone understood what it meant to survive. Everyone’s perception can be fogged up at times as they base it on what they feel are their theories to life, which lead them to make their own decision based on what they knew at the time.
Theories are very subjective. Experience is very subjective. The only thing objective is our surroundings. How we perceive it is merely how we see it.
There were times in my life when I didn’t want to coexist in the world. There was no need to coexist. One day, you won’t be here. One day, this whole thing will be over. Don’t allow yourself to live a long life with no meaning; live a short life with intent. In time, everything will come back to a cycle, and this cycle, we call life. When we allow ourselves to live in an experience that can serve us, everything else is noise. White noise in the back, distracting us.
People will hate you for bringing out colors that make them feel insecure, or you’ll hate them for doing that to you. Regardless of whichever way it is, there is always a side of something that doesn’t make sense in the long run. Why do we take so many things, and turn them into reactions that leave us feeling so left out of the world?
How much suffering does one endure before feeling bliss, the heart is the gateway to the brain, allow our selves to feel empowered in a time when life doesn’t show any signs it becomes the time we create our signs from what we want from life.
We get lost in the roots embedded in us at birth, thinking who we are is flawed, when in reality, we are all perfectly imperfect. We allow emotions to dictate our surroundings not wanting to fit into the social Que, we disconnect.
Life has been a weird journey; a part of me is exhausted. Another part of me still has gas in the fuel tank.
If you are reading this and went through something tragic, you are here for a reason. We are all here for a reason, regardless of who doesn’t see it create your purpose.
Nothing is forever, not the air you breathe or the trees you see, everything dies. Life after cancer, I looked for meaning in a meaningless life.
Life showed me signs I ignored; it kept repeating the signs until I opened my eyes, seeing is believing that why most of us lost sight in God when God for one is everything around us happening as is.
Be in-tuned with yourself, forget the noise, listen. Listening is one of our senses that allows us to become aware of our surroundings. Just life the silence sounds that play inside our head; we become the subject of our thoughts.
Believe in nothing, and in nothing, believe in everything, think outside the walls you built for yourself. Nothing stays remember, so why hold so much meaning to meaningless things, that one day will die, all problems fears, worries, all die. Nothing will last nothing forever. Next time you complain about something, ask yourself what did you do for yourself today. How will you die ?
The feeling of acceptance means letting go of what there is. A lot of us get lost by spending time with ourselves. We are missing the main idea of what is rather then what isn’t. This thing we call void we avoid. How is this so when in reality, we forget what is to be human.
We act from a place of emotions losing the reason why we feel the way we think, dismissing the feeling we thought we were feeling. Play on words will have you thinking. What’s left to consider when thinking is just a thought.
Don’t confuse who you are for anyone else’s approval; why does it matter what others think of you. Accept who you are for yourself, this whole theory on life is everyone owns subjective belief, and everyone has their own opinion on how life should be. Within religion, there are sub religions that stem from the first religion, which makes no sense; if there was one god, then why would one god make many different religions. These are the type of questions I ask myself.
Imagine if you were free of any belief, what would you believe? At the end of it, everything is just another way of storytelling, and if we start to think the story that someone else is telling us, then whatever happens to our story?
Why relationships fail, after noticing certain things throughout my life, I was gifted the ability to see past all obstacles through words.
Life wasn’t always apparent, that was never a thing I focused on; we all go through lessons. Lessons that repeat themselves in many different ways, regardless of who you are in the end, everything is interconnected throughout seeing the pattern. When we become comfortable with things, we lose interest and lose respect. Many of us carry the wounds of our childhood into adulthood, leaving behind the child that needed caring and loving.
We’ve been in isolation now for the past two months; this isn’t anything new to me. I love being alone at times, just being the observer. One advice I can give you coming out of a long relationship, if you love somebody and care for them, let them be, You won’t always get the answers you need from that person. Don’t try to show to much emotion people don’t understand emotion when pain is involved; heal yourself by letting the other person grow. Communication is bliss when coming to an understanding. Know that connection isn’t always an option. Regardless of how bad you think you might want something to know that maybe it just was meant not to work out that way.
One thing I never understood was religion, even though I respect people’s beliefs. Faith never hit me.
We are humans, and we can change what we don’t like, by how we react.
Some people will leave that up to God to help them improve who they are without taken any accountability in their actions. Most times, when we don’t like certain things in people, it’s because it’s our insecurity. Many things in life are idiosyncratic. We linearly view life, allowing certain things to fog up the bigger picture. Time isn’t in our favor. The more we waste, the less we live up to our essential purpose.
I noticed a pattern in my life that I attract extremely broken souls. People are always trying to test my beliefs; in the past, I would put up a good fight now. I just let it be—there no need for users to state what we don’t like. Not liking something is also an extremely subjective view of seeing the world.
The world is happening as we speak regardless of what happens inside of the world; it’s happening. Humans have a hard time seeing it happen. Look beyond the surface, look for the soul that speaks to humans and learn how to embrace all things, not just the things that feed your flesh. Nothing goes with you when you die; the only thing left behind is the lesson you choose to teach people that will forever impact them in a good or bad way.
Life without understanding and reasoning becomes a place of unsheltered emotions, and those will be the death of experience in the present.
When life becomes a place of chaos, it starts with what you allow in your field of energy.
I talk a lot about the ego, embrace your ego, better yet understand your ego. Curb it like you would curb your dog. Let it sit there and wait. Wait on; impurities that make you think the way you think.
Learn how to let go and accept what is in front of you.
We are only humans bodying the conscious mind. Leaving us forgetting the bigger meaning to life is.
When there is no meaning, everything becomes lust-filled. The temptation is desires leading us to become less us and more them. Read in between the lines and see for yourself how everything grows. Becoming doesn’t happen overnight. Picture yourself doing what you are doing now in fifty years. Nothing subliminal, just stating what I see.
Let’s numb the feeling with this poison. Soon everything will be okay again. This poison will allow us to feel something that the heart doesn’t want to feel knowing that we were just a grain of sand in the sandstorm.