#NOTDEPRESSED

The walls seemed tight, so I lean gasping for air I see a bright light. Closing deeper, the smaller I feel. Allowing these thoughts that seem like rapid tides hitting the sand’s surface, I resurface back into the moment being free of any idea, so, until only one day, I drown again.

chasing

Sometimes life feels fucked.

So I pause.

Pauses need a reset, so now I hit reserve —the tape breaks.

Can’t seem to find the connection to the wifi, so I unplug.

I find the nearest outlet, and I plug in the charger.

My phone is dead, so I sit with my thoughts.

I see a dog run by, so I run after it.

It leads to this place that seems familiar.

There are these walls that are incredibly vivid in color.

I couldn’t see that day. I wake up. Here I am again repeating the same old toxic cycle.

Peaking the horizon

When we go through trauma, our life becomes shattered.

Feel that, embrace it, allow yourself to understand that we are humans. We are all fucked up somehow. Sometimes we lose ourselves on the path to healing. We experience the feeling of void, blackness, and emptiness. Everyone goes through it.

Don’t let it consume your life. It will trigger addiction, leave you feeling depressed, and allow you to become someone you’re not.

Life has its ways of showing you where you need to grow. Who am I to tell you what you need to heal through life? I am no one. I am just sharing my viewpoints from experience. I lost people in life due to my not loving who I was.

I struggle with addiction. I have an extremely addictive personality. I don’t know any social norms, and some might even think I lack emotion in how I respond to them.  I view life as if it’s nothing but a big game. Don’t do that.

During some pivotal moments in my life, I started to understand how fragile time is. Time doesn’t wait on anyone, and life doesn’t stop because you are having a bad day.

Whenever I reach the peak, I fall back down, scared to stand tall, thinking the past is who I am, allowing myself to remain stuck in low vibrations, never seeing past the horizon.

I started to hold back in how I feel, losing the ability to express what is going on from the inside out. Why do I fear standing out? Am I scared for someone to notice my potential or am I scared of myself seeing my own potential?

“Yo, what’s that scar on your head?”

I can either tell them the full story or I can tell them I was in a gang fight. Either way, both options won’t make sense. So I stopped answering. People want to know the pain you go through so that they can either A) feel for you or B) Be happy that what they are going through isn’t as bad as what you went through. Regardless of any outcome of any situation, there is always going to be a lack of understanding when it comes to experience. Not everyone understands what pain is, my pain isn’t the same pain as your pain. Pain is the root of the feeling but the experience behind the pain is different. I may react differently to what I feel pain is. That doesn’t mean my pain is less than your pain. Pain is pain.

It doesn’t matter where you stand; someone is always going to stand taller, regardless of how you view it. Learn how to let go of this idea of thinking that you know it all.

Experience leads us to beliefs. “Practical contact with and observation of facts or events.” That is the meaning of an experience. Each word has a sense, meaning it creates a moment in time, moments in time develop beliefs. The more we seem to understand, the more we notice that life is meaningless. I didn’t mean to offend you in telling you that your life has no meaning. Life on the grand scale has no meaning; the moments in them are the meanings we create for ourselves.

On the real though, pause for a second, ask yourself this question? Are your thoughts yours? Or is someone else controlling your thoughts?

Cancer

The truth is that I am lost. Life without you has been terrifying. There is no codependent relationship anymore. With you, there was a purpose that lived inside. You gave me a purpose; you gave me an excuse.

I don’t feel much without, wish you would’ve erased me. A big part of me forgave you; I don’t think I forgive myself. I felt too much with you now; I feel nothing. Yes, I go through my phases, never look back, though. There is nothing there; there is only here which is now. Won’t be putting this much emotion by saying fuck you this time. This time I will say thank you, thank you for giving me the power to still be here without you this isn’t a breakup; it’s a growth. You will forever be a part of my life.

The Power of Imagination

 The power of imagination

Where it prevails is in between fantasy and reality.

I’ve always been the type of kid that lived in my head. Never conceding the emotion behind the character until the response became powerless. 

You ask yourself these mysteries, which leads to not knowing your self-worth at times.

This thing we call “self,” what is it? Is it who we are? Or is it the evaluation of others that made us who we are?

Going through cancer, this thing called “self” turned into a label.

Labels. Why do we label everything without really understanding the meaning? We show a lack of emotion towards something we don’t understand. We push people away when in reality what we want is to keep them close.

As a kid growing up, I lived in a sheltered box of my imagination. My imagination became my fairy tale, which allowed it to die in the eyes of others’ lack of imagination.

We pretend that who we are is just this thing we call “self.” When self is a bunch of things happening that led us to being. Being only happens in the present. We become what we are based on experience.

Words on words. We lose ourselves in the thought of what we think we are. Let it go.

We can’t go blaming everyone else for where we are now. Allow yourself to heal. Heal anything.   

Anything that leads to understanding, feel it. Don’t force the feeling of needing to feel. ” 


When there’s routine in life, life feels structured. There was a time when I was going through cancer. Yes I said going through cancer, because to me it doesn’t live with me now. It was a experience that I faced that allowed me to grow through the pain.

There was a set routine. I knew what I needed to survive. Life after cancer has been extremely different. Not difficult. Just different. The biggest thing I had to understand after cancer was the fact that not everyone understood what it meant to survive. Everyone’s perception can be fogged up at times as they base it on what they feel are their theories to life, which lead them to make their own decision based on what they knew at the time.

Theories are very subjective. Experience is very subjective. The only thing objective is our surroundings. How we perceive it is merely how we see it.

There were times in my life when I didn’t want to coexist in the world. There was no need to coexist. One day, you won’t be here. One day, this whole thing will be over. Don’t allow yourself to live a long life with no meaning; live a short life with intent. In time, everything will come back to a cycle, and this cycle, we call life. When we allow ourselves to live in an experience that can serve us, everything else is noise. White noise in the back, distracting us.

People will hate you for bringing out colors that make them feel insecure, or you’ll hate them for doing that to you. Regardless of whichever way it is, there is always a side of something that doesn’t make sense in the long run. Why do we take so many things, and turn them into reactions that leave us feeling so left out of the world?

Allow it.

Falling Into Place

Sometimes, I need to remind myself who the fuck I am.

When thing falls short, we don’t stop fighting. Everything that happens is happening for a reason.

Life has stimulated a lot of obstacles my way; things happen along the way people are hurt, and they cut you, it is a part of life. You cut people because you are hurt. Give yourself credit that you are alive, you are human.

Seeing my parents grow old, and seeing my mom have so much faith in God makes me jealous. She’s never alone I feel alone at times, It doesn’t mean I’m lonely; I say that most haven’t walked in my shoes that seen pain as elegantly as I have.

No cancer didn’t kill me; nothing will kill me because a part of me died, the part that was fearful of holding onto life so hard, allowing it to dictate who I am.

Who am I?

Who are you?

What is this thing we call life?

As a child, having been molested, I didn’t hit me until the person died. I don’t know what I feel towards it, not much to control when there is nothing to control. Details, no need because it’s not a part of the story of who I am today.

We meet new people from many different shapes of life from which we either grow or stay the same. We can’t live life looking for meaning on why we hurt. Why did I survive cancer? Why did I survive drug addiction? Why did I survive being molested?

I don’t have the answers; I do know that where I am right now is where I need to be for myself and my growth. The same goes for you, where you are where you need to be for yourself.

We all fuck up, learn from it, move past it, and heal. Why allow the things that almost killed you kill you. Forgive yourself and let go of the hurt; your actions aren’t who you are. We allow things the label us making live by the label on the surface masking the insides as if they didn’t exist.

Growing up, we learn patterns. Sometimes in life, we win; however, we also lose. Losing doesn’t mean we can’t ever win again; winning doesn’t mean we can’t lose.

I’ve been threw hell and back; sometimes, I like being in hell; that’s when I feel the most. That’s when life is bright and full of beauty. Be uncomfortable in the unknown that’s when you know the best.

Healing through the storm

When the storm healed, everything felt sheltered.

Leaving the pieces shattered, searching for nothing in something

We find ourselves at the finish line.

Find yourselves in this world full of beauty,

We grow, so do our habits, our purpose, our meaning, and our views. When we grow, we grow past the things that once served us.

Life doesn’t stop when we die, it goes on people come and go, and things happen. There is always a separation that will keep us apart from who we are. We follow the mainstream, and the mainstream follows the drama leaving us thinking that what we need is to fit into some fabricated fairytale that we seem to call reality.

Don’t get words confused with your thoughts; words are just here to entertain your thoughts; you can either feed into expanding it or feed into numbing choice will always be yours. Letting go doesn’t mean to hold onto anything, it merely means let go. Your views should never align with someone else belief; you have a mind of your own with your experience from a world that seems to be going down at times. Another day another person being murdered another protest being formed, another strict being marched. All this uneasily noise disrupting our peace.

Can we ever reach of a place of divine light, or wholeness with one’s self, yes sure go become a monk somewhere in the mountain and forget the material world, that will work. You’ll lose out on life, I am not saying to you give yourself up to the idea of wanting peace. Coming to acceptance and understanding that you control your own emotion will serve you better than letting your emotions get the best of you. You never win with your emotions that are scattered, they radiate in places, allowing them to hit people who don’t understand where you are coming from.

growing out of a lot of abuse growing up, I realized that accepting it for what it was is the best blessing that I could’ve gone through. Don’t talk about your pain, talk about the power that overcame the pain that leads you to build a better life for yourself. Read this part out loud, FUCK THE REST, worry about how you are going to take care of you, no one has your back as much as you have your own.

Don’t live in the shadows of others; everyone has an inner light; everything is interconnected to the divine light. Watch the power of the mouth, gossip is one hell of a drug, every dose will keep you in the same circle asking yourself where did my time go? Take what you want from this reading, I am just writing.

With Love and light, I hope you find yourselves in this world full of beauty, regardless of the outcome.

Lost in the emotion

Words got lost in the emotion behind the meaning of what needed to be said. Your brain goes through a wind whirl losing control of the initial impact letting us bleed out the pain that we no longer feel/ Letting us go numb. Trapped in mind, we find peace sheltered from the world we find a home.

The Poems that didn’t need to be written.

The life we live is shortlived only to be lived in the memories, leaving behind faded moments; that were so jaded in thoughts that became our reality.

Suffering

How much suffering does one endure before feeling bliss, the heart is the gateway to the brain, allow our selves to feel empowered in a time when life doesn’t show any signs it becomes the time we create our signs from what we want from life.

We get lost in the roots embedded in us at birth, thinking who we are is flawed, when in reality, we are all perfectly imperfect. We allow emotions to dictate our surroundings not wanting to fit into the social Que, we disconnect.

Life has been a weird journey; a part of me is exhausted. Another part of me still has gas in the fuel tank.

If you are reading this and went through something tragic, you are here for a reason. We are all here for a reason, regardless of who doesn’t see it create your purpose.

Nothing is forever, not the air you breathe or the trees you see, everything dies. Life after cancer, I looked for meaning in a meaningless life.

Life showed me signs I ignored; it kept repeating the signs until I opened my eyes, seeing is believing that why most of us lost sight in God when God for one is everything around us happening as is.

Be in-tuned with yourself, forget the noise, listen. Listening is one of our senses that allows us to become aware of our surroundings. Just life the silence sounds that play inside our head; we become the subject of our thoughts.

Believe in nothing, and in nothing, believe in everything, think outside the walls you built for yourself. Nothing stays remember, so why hold so much meaning to meaningless things, that one day will die, all problems fears, worries, all die. Nothing will last nothing forever. Next time you complain about something, ask yourself what did you do for yourself today. How will you die ?

Are you ready

Are you ready?
No.
Why?
I don’t know it’s been a while.
Aren’t you ready for love again?
I don’t know if I’m up to getting hurt again.
You only allow yourself to hurt if you choose to see the hurt side of things.
Save the bullshit
It’s not bullshit; it is life.
What do you even know about love?
Not much, I know that love is a beautiful thing once experience.