Crashing Shoreline

The talk in the air became the cancer of the breath leaving behind the so-called memory of you. It faded in the sunset as the waves hit the shore, crumpling the sandcastle, only to have it rebuilt. This time it was a brick castle, nothing fragile about this home if the wave hits this time, the only thing that will happen is that the water will repel off the wall leaving a clean fence from all the sand.

Accepting the lesson

Let’s get honest for a second, the world is going to shit, and people are don’t know what to do with themselves.

When it comes down to finding inner peace, it’s always been a struggle for me. Lately, I’ve been tapping into my creative side. Seeing people being people has always been a blessing; seeing things with light has always been a blessing. You cannot live life in the past, regardless of how safe it feels there. People will always do what they need for themselves. It is okay knowing that people are figuring it out with or without you. Don’t hold on to these feelings of anger or sadness as they are just here for a brief stay. Life is happening, and it will continue happening with or without you. Some people broke as childern making them unhealed adults, which is hard at times dealing with them know that we all face a different level of life each page isn’t the same for each books, some books are longer than others books. Some books have a different topic than other books, and books here is referring to life.

I want to say this is coming from a place of suffering in the past holding onto it doesn’t heal; trying to fix it doesn’t heal it, letting it go doesn’t repair it. Accepting for it is, and seeing the lesson within is when healing starts. Saying this comes from a place I am learning how to implement in my life.

No winning

If I lied I lose myself

If I tell the truth I lose you.

Finding yourself.

Life. We all have it some of us struggle with the meaning of it. We are all different, and in being different, we sometimes fall short of becoming something more then what we are. She will never stop loving you as long as you are here right now reading this. In the words of Alan Watts, ” existence is love.”

Play on words has you thinking. Life has me thinking, is everything for the moment, or is there something more than where I am now. We never know where we are because we are always trying to control something that we cannot control. When I say we I don’t mean all, I mean we as in the overthinkers. Overthinking is both bliss and curse.

Through Cancer, I’ve learned that I forget how strong I am as a person. I’ve also learned how I don’t give myself enough credit. People get turned off by mental health topics. They don’t want to hear about your suffering because the world is grieving as is. They want to hear about the achievement of the struggles, not the battle it.

I want to conceive myself of being smart enough emotionally, I numbed myself through substance to escape parts of me I hated, and I learned that to kill those parts I needed to love those parts. Those parts of me were answers to my question of finding what it is that makes me not act in my true self.

I know when I don’t act from my true self. My true self is a loving and caring person. Through life and my own experience, different parts of me were born. Parts of me that I am trying to understand so that my inner child doesn’t fear them.

One part of me that I am still trying to understand is my fighter side. Even though it helped me, it’s also wanted to destroy me. It is hard letting out a front of you to the world. I am learning not to be scared to be unmasked. It will eliminate those that fail to understand my being.

One of my darkest times overshadowed my light. I didn’t understand it back then I don’t think I fully understand it now. There are still parts of me that need work, and I find it within me to change these bad habits that once helped me heal physically and destroyed me mentally.

In the process of growing up, you’ll learn that the kid within you is still alive. You will discover that people are just people learning the adults are unhealed kids. Generations of same old toxic cycles, you will try and break it, but they would be to hurt because they don’t like their idea of what this world is to change, which is okay. Don’t allow that to break you from becoming you.

Speak your mind; become free. Remember How I told you, in the beginning, people are struggling in finding the meaning of their why. I know my why, It’s helping others to find out who they are. Not everyone wants to find themselves, which is okay. I am here just speaking, not preaching because I understand that people are people; they do what they choose to do. That is the best part of being a human; we have access to self-control most of the time. We are emotional beings; we are thinkers; we are an expression and so much more.

Unbalanced world

Who I was trying to heal isn’t who I am healed. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple of years. I’ve learned that you never change people, you change yourself since you’re all you got.

Looking back at the who I though I was and who I am today life moves fast. Life to me has a very funny way of playing the same old game. In the game there is levels. The level of hurt, the level of love, the level of empathy, the level of sadness, the level to where you gain all of your skills to become a better person for yourself and for the people that really matter in the end.

I could sit here and write about all my wrong doings but what is the point of that. We all do wrong, no one talks about what they do right because if we do then we get judged. Because others still haven’t passed that level of self acceptance. We forget how important we are in this world. We hurt and lie and cheat on one another with our words and beliefs without understand all beliefs are opinions that get us by. Humans are meant for loving and caring. We are more than just old beliefs.

I learned that this world is perfect and we are the un-perfection which balances out this world. learn that the perfection in you is the un-perfection that balances out this world.

Empathy > Sympathy

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Sympathy: feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.

pity: the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others.

sorrow: a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

distress: sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.

If we can—just for a second—take the time out of our day and tell ourselves “I empathize with you” rather then “I sympathize with you,” this world would be a better place. We have this world confused at times. This world doesn’t need more wars, this world doesn’t need more religious people, this world needs more compassion. A world full of love is a world full of life. 

I have been through a lot—I think we all got the point already. I don’t live in the past, I live in the present. Sometimes, being hurt can overtake you when you believe that your voice doesn’t matter. Every voice matters. We all matter. 

I think about death a lot. Even though I went through it, I still fear it. Not fearing death itself but rather wondering: DID I DO ENOUGH? The first thing I am doing when I become wealthy is helping others. Move somewhere more green and serene, be with nature, write a book about who I am and who I want to become. See how I said when. Not “if” I became wealthy. 

Self love

I am in the process of loving who I am. I am welcoming all parts of myself, with, love. The second you feel pity for yourself, you start to lose the human part of you. ego> aside it’s okay to feel pride with stuff that you do or accomplish. You feel more accomplished when you succeed at something. Loving yourself isn’t a bad thing, just remember to always give that same love to other people. Learn how to ignore the people that try and harm you. Never kill someone with kindness, sometimes you might kill yourself with it instead. Kill them with silence. Understand that your energy is not meant for everyone.

I read this book the other day called “Mind Platter”; there was a line that read

“Don’t break a bird’s wings and then tell it to fly. Don’t break a heart and then tell it to love. Don’t break a soul and then tell it to be happy.” -Mind Platter

Conclusion 

Moving forward, my life is in my hands and I’ll keep trying remaining true to myself and to others. Find empathy rather the sympathy. Choose love rather than hate. Give yourself the time you need to heal. 

Ps. Thank you for reading.

Deep Rest

Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

de·spond·en·cy: a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage.

Spirit: the nonphysical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.

Learn where your energy goes, make sure that what you feel will always remain true to who you are. Fight for the people that will fight for you. Fight for the people that need help in fighting. I see a world that is lost. I bet there are others in this world that feel the same.

it’s been four years, it’s been a long journey of soul searching and I still find a big void, where happiness once was. What I used to like I don’t like anymore. Happiness does start from the inside, my inside also turned their back on me.

Four Years later a New outlook

We live in a world that is separated, divided, and, most importantly, depressed. Everyone is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Ever since I can remember, I have always been the outcast. There’s nothing wrong with being the outcast.

During my darkest moments, only a few people shined while others simply pretended to be there. The ones that shined have a special place in my heart. 

You see, I don’t have a problem in expressing who I am. I have nothing I want to show off to the material world. Even though “material” may be good at times, “material” isn’t what life is all about. 

My twenties were nice until I needed to wake up really fast and bring out every part of me to a game I wasn’t ready to play. We don’t fight wars alone. During war, each solider doesn’t need to agree with one another. In the real world, they need to compromise and destroy the enemy — that enemy, for me, was cancer.  

As time healed them in their own ways, it never really healed me. I saw the world for something else while my family remained stuck in their own war. What I mean is, they went back to what they knew this world as before. Them seeing me healthy was all they wanted. Was I really healthy though? I was healed, but FAR FROM HEALTHY. I’m still trying to figure out who this person was and is, and what to do with this new chance that I was given.

When a war ends, trauma begins. Sometimes, we get lost in winning the battle & we forget what we are fighting for.

What I fight for is a better life for me and my army, regardless of who doesn’t see the bigger picture. It’s my picture. 

As a previously sick person, I know the only thing a person wants when they are sick is to be healthy. 

I have a vision for what I want my life to become. It isn’t always easy for me to express myself. The best way I know how is to write. I love being able to just sit there and write, take pictures, and record videos. 

I remember the time I applied to radiography school. I wanted to become an X-Ray tech to help others. X-Rays saved my life, so I thought it would be a good way to help others in their recovery and give back. It was one of the worst things I could’ve done. I was trying to be Superman in a world that didn’t need it. A system where people take it as a paycheck and see each person as an RN number, I definitely wasn’t emotionally ready for that. Staff didn’t like my approach and told me that I had to remember to be a student, even though their techs were being very unethical at times. I learned that some things need to be kept unsaid for protecting your own sanity. There are a lot of sick people out there and when I say sick, I don’t mean physically — I mean mentally. They have their priorities all fucked up.

Opening up to others about something they will never understand is like trying to make a circle fit in a square… I don’t know where I came up with that, but that’s just how my brain operates. 

I smoked weed in my recovery. It took me 25 years of my life to do any kind of drug. Even writing this sentence makes me feel like I am committing a guilty act. I don’t understand why some people can’t just accept the fact that we are living in a new time… where there are other ways of healing, other than the traditional ones. I see my father with all his pills and just tell myself if only he could change his viewpoint and stop taking this poison. I feel like he’d be much healthier and happier.

Smoking, for me, turned into numbing and numbing made me stop caring. I talk a lot about people and how people live. I am not saying that I am better than other people. I have just been through a different experience. I’ve never dwelled on my misery of having cancer. Instead, I try to dwell on the knowledge to only notice that the knowledge I gained gave me a new insight on what life is.

I am not a scientist; I don’t know why some people die from cancer and others survive. However, I do know what I went through to not die. God didn’t save me; God could’ve saved a lot more people that deserved to be saved. The way we think, we become. 

I am in tune with the thing inside me… the thing that beats, that keeps me alive – my “heart.” The same heart that feels the pain of others, wanting to see them do better and not feed into hate. I also have a very powerful brain, a brain that thinks off logic rather than follows a trend. I still am a person, though, and I still have temptation just like the rest of the world. I need to feel grounded. If I don’t, then that means I am not human. So save me your perfect happily-ever-after for someone else.

Dark times pass

Today is February 12th everything on the top was when I was in a different state of mind. Today mark’s my four-year anniversary since I was diagnosed with brain cancer. I just want to thank My team. Today is also my dad birthday. 4 years ago today, we celebrated his birthday by finding out what was wrong with me. Even after finding out it was cancer, you remained thankful that I was still alive. You didn’t care about what cake or present you were going to get that night but more so if I was going to be okay. Last night, I tried to envision a world without you, and just couldn’t. I love you Dad .. really thankful that I have you around still and need to learn how to appreciate you a lot more because one day, I am no longer going to be able to just say hey Dad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABA!!

HEART AND BRAIN

Life. We all have it, we all experience it differently.

I wanted to touch base on something that my experience taught me.

The heart and brain will never be one. They are not friends and will never be friends. My heart is depressed and my brain is overloaded with information.

Not all are equal, just like the heart is not equal to the brain. The brain fights for survival and logics. The heart fights for compassion, and fairness. We are loving beings at the end of the day.

What is the true meaning to life? I don’t think anyone knows. I don’t know much. I can’t even tell you what I want to do from this point out. I can tell you, though, that a smile is better than a frown.

A child is pure. A child doesn’t know what lies are. They are usually heartfelt and don’t understand what life is. Life is their playground until one day, someone shuts them up. Their brain registers a protection mechanism.

Life isn’t always rainbows and unfortunately, one day we grow old. Stupidity sells. . That has nothing to do with the heart. The heart feels, yet the brain is more logical. The heart knows it never dies, but the brain is aware. The internal battle we all face on a daily basis comes from the heart and the brain always fighting and coming into conflict with one another. They are never at peace.

Learn how to build boundaries around a broken heart.

Broken can be healed. Life isn’t always as it seems. What is right for us here isn’t always right for some one else far away. This world is separated. People are divided. There is a lot of real life issue that we face on a day to day basis. We get blinded in not wanting to feel anymore. We can’t always express ourselves because when we do, we get shut down.

Life is a blessing, a gift, a lesson to self reflect on what it is that makes your heart sing. Do something you love and the rest will follow. Don’t look into the bullshit.

All this comes from my own personal experience; none of this comes from me studying or doing anything other than living. We are all different, we are all one for one. We all have some sort of gift that this world needs to see. Don’t be afraid to shine your inner light. That’s what should shine in your darkest moments. I used to feel anger on the inside at times. I used to lash out and all this fire inside was becoming worse then a desert fire. I didn’t understand that this fire also had its own light. This fire set up my biggest light – the light of self reflection.

Money or Laughter

Suppressed.

Things get personal at times. We shift our focus from what truly matters to hating who we are as people.

I remember times where I thought I was going to die. I did not die, but at some point, I wanted to. Today, that feeling has been positively superseded.

Mentally, I felt dead in the head. Life has different phases and within each phase comes a lesson. You will never grow if you stay stuck in your comfort zone.

If I were to describe myself in one word it would be powerful; if you find that cliche then maybe you’re just not going through something difficult in your life. Not being able to express your emotions is one of the biggest sins.

I know times may seem hard. I know that I write and I get lost in my head. Maybe it is life after cancer, or maybe it is just me hating myself for feeling stuck. I have opened up a lot about myself yet in doing so it took away from who I am.

I am far from perfect, but at least I am working on becoming a better person.

You are allowed to judge me on my writing. You are allowed to judge me on my character. You are allowed to think whatever you want to think about me. Just know that you have never stepped foot into my shoes.

You might think that you may know me based off of my old writing or my old pictures. Maybe you even think I have the world at my fingertips. Yes, I traveled the world with life after cancer, but is that happiness? Is happiness measured by material?

The greatest feeling of happiness is making sure that other people are living life with content. Do not get sucked into selling yourself out. Throughout the time you will only get lost in other people’s misery.

We all experience different feelings in life. Happiness, sadness, loneliness, anger… I think by now you are getting the point.

I heard a story one time: there was a guy that shared a house with his wife. They lived a below average life, in a hut that was overseen by the king. Every night, the king would hear laughter, something that pleasantly surprised him.  The next morning, he went to visit the couple and offered them gold. He told them that he has never experienced the same feeling as he did seeing them laugh. The couple did not know what to do. The change from poverty to wealth was a huge difference to there lives. They accepted the offer.

As days passed, their laughter decreased. They were more focused on managing and maintaining the gold, they forgot to enjoy each other’s presence and laugh. Money is a good tool for helping you through life, but money is not everything.

When heart and brain come to tranquility

When reality becomes fiction, the world starts to become a really scary place. I felt like the world doesn’t care. I know I am a fuck up at times, but let me explain. For me to always say that death shouldn’t be feared doesn’t mean I’m not being empathetic with people – I just mean that there’s no logical meaning to fear something that is given. I’m tired of being in this dark place and after being on an emotional roller coaster ride for the past 36 hours, I had my biggest breakthrough.

I never wanted to be a self-centered person. My heart was full of compassion, full of life, full of empathy until one day, my life came crashing down. Imagine your world crashing down in front of you. You have all the tools in front of you, but were never given the “manual”. I wanted to die after beating cancer and take it for what it is, but the fact that I am saying that makes me realize why I hate myself. Regardless of what people say about you or anyone, nothing would ever matter because noone knows what you go through on a day-to-day basis which is actually building you up to who you are now. You can be called all the names in the world but at the end of the day how you feel about yourself before going to sleep is what really matters. Don’t ever stop being a child. I think like a child, I act like a child, therefore I am a child.

I want to really be loved and to love. I have been with my fiancé for nine years. I would stop the world’s rotation for her. When you have your values all fucked up, your life becomes fucked up. We all get hurt in life, but if we allow hurt to remain, then hurt will always be hurt. Regardless of which way you look at hurt, it needs to be understood. If you keep getting burnt by the same flame, there will be no one else left to blame. I can be a bit poetic if I really want to.

Pay attention to when somebody is mad. When I am mad, I tell the truth in how I feel. About a week ago, my fiancé told me that I was self-centered and a narcissist. In the past, I would have made a pity party and disrupted everyone because of a need to be heard. I felt that my problems were so strong that I needed to let them out. Letting them out is fine but there is a time and place for everything. I had all my values so fucked up, that I wouldn’t speak to any therapist because of past hurt experiences and I started getting tired of explaining, so I started smoking a lot more to escape my past pains. This was creating more problems for future pain. Everything I love, or everything I think of love, I kind of overlove. That, also, is a problem. I have problems with problems but I don’t dwell on them. I try to figure them out and inspire others to do the same.

A part of me gets paranoid and I question people’s motives only because I can’t trust my own. This comes from a place of feeling like my own body lied to me, or let me down. I was told that there was nothing wrong with me prior to my diagnosis and that everything was fake, but it turned out to be cancer. People will sit there and not have the right words at times to say to you, will dismiss you if what you say doesn’t match up with what they learned. Life is all about teaching and applying. You can’t just learn and not apply. The second you obtain knowledge, you apply it. After you apply it, you can understand it.

I would accumulate all this knowledge but sit in my basement, not applying. We’re all capable of self-awareness. We’re all capable of controlling our emotions. We’re all capable of learning. We’re all capable of doing anything we put our minds to. If only we can get a grip on our emotions. Being paranoid is a scary feeling. When you throw away God, or the sense of God, you know you’re in a really fucked up place. How could one thing really fuck up my life so bad? I’m not going to sit here and pretend this is all perfect, but I’m aware of my own bullshit. The next time you think bad about yourself, understand that we all have our own issues.

At times, I feel lost. I just sit in bed repeating the same old cancerous cycle. Sorry if that offended you, but I can no longer be triggered by the same old pity. I feel like everything is a personal attack based off of my initial feeling of intent. I always have good intentions but someway, somehow, after I’ve been lied to and deemed crazy for the past two years, I started to think that nothing I said made sense. I can sit there and blame my father for not teaching me how to be a man, but in reality, all I’m doing is playing the victim card.

I look for moderation through impulse. That may sound ironic, but it’s all that I know. From all I know, I’ll still grow through past failures and having real human to human connections. You can’t expect me to reach out all the time and also can’t expect to just use people. We judge people based off their actions but ourselves based off our intentions. I can never know your intentions because you’re you and I’m me. Communication is key. The end goal is we all want to be loved. Don’t be a monster with your love. Learn how to contain the fire within because the heart thinks with feelings but the brain thinks with logic. There is a love-hate relationship within you if you keep allowing that fire to burn in your heart.