The Numbing Feeling

Early summer of 2018, I went through a manic episode. My mental health was at it’s lowest. After cancer, they tell you that you became cured of the diseases. Your physical body may have recovered, but your insight on the way you view the world changes. Everyone is doing there best. Doing there best isn’t always the best for you; it’s best for them. 

Many of my cancer days were numb, infused with steroids to stop the inflammation in my brain—I became filled with much anger. 

The people that understood didn’t take it personally; they realized that it was part of the process. There was a handful of people that stayed throughout my most clouded fights. 

      The Numbing stage

There was a time that I needed to get off the opioids. A lot of it came from numbing. This word numbing, it’s has become such a part of who I am that. I forget what it’s like to feel anymore. When you are going through moments in life, you don’t see the bigger picture. You become fooled in the emotion. The other night I was drunk on the train, looking at this couple argue over something that seemed frivolous, so I tapped the guy on the shoulder and told him it’s not worth it. It’s not worth losing her over something narrow-minded. She smiled; he told me not to touch him. I got off the train and on my walk home, I realized that was me. I would get frantic at people who loved me. Who loved seeing me win. Sometimes we are dimmed by the moment we overlook the moment.

      Before The Manic Episode. 

In 2015 was diagnosed with the Central Nervous system after being misdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One night I went into the hospital after having an episode of double vision. At the time, I was unhappy with my life. I was following rather than listening to my heart. I never did drugs growing up. I never really cared for them, and I Didn’t even smoke weed in high school. It just wasn’t for me. 

In early 2015 I was introduced to Benzodiazepines. Benzodiazepine is a depressant. It is to treat depression and or anxiety. Every time I was labeled insane for thinking that there was something wrong with and someone telling me that there wasn’t, I would pop one of these pills, and the rest would be history from there. Going deeper into my diagnosis with CNS Lymphoma, In 2015 was introduced to Opioids, which is also a depressant. Drugs became a new way of numbing. 

My parents were happy that I survived cancer; they were scared for life after cancer. They wanted to see me go back into a society that nearly killed me. There are many things that you know when you need to rely on others to do stuff for you. 

After my cousin dies from an overdose, it woke me up. My cousin was a good guy; he was like me in many ways we grew apart over the years, but he always had a big heart. It’s usually the ones with the biggest hearts that numb.  

I ended up going to the clinic that was supposed to heal him from his addiction only to realize that this place wasn’t for me. As I Sitting in a waiting room, the energy felt dead; there was no life to experience. Across from me was a guy I started having a conversation by asking him why he was here. He responded that his girlfriend had an abortion, and he started using it again. I asked him what he was using; he responded by saying heroin. I thought to myself I am a cancer survivor shouldn’t I be somewhere else. After waiting a couple of hours to be seen by one of the nurses, I needed to take a drug test to make sure that I haven’t used any drug in the past 24 hours. I took the drug test and was clean of all drugs. They then told me to come back for a visit to see the doctor. Three days later, returning to the office, I see the doctor, and he came up with an action plan to help me get off the opioids. Leaving that day, I was sent home with a bunch of pills. These pills were worse than the opioids that I was dependent on. That night high off the Adderal, I ended up taking another medicine to help me sleep.

The next morning I woke up not understanding what I was feeling. I felt drunk, but I didn’t drink people were embarrassed to be around me; it was the Adderall that me feeling the way I was feeling. After expressing this to the doctor that I didn’t enjoy how these pills made me feel, he told me that I needed to believe in the program and come daily to be monitored. At this point, I was growing hopeless. I ended up leaving the clinic. Never going back and cut off the opioids cold turkey. I found this plant, cannabis. Cannabis helped me a lot; the more people rejected me for using it, the more I felt guilty in smoking it, the more guilty I felt, the more I numbed.

In 2017 I went into x-ray school. Being honest with my past, I told them that I smoked cannabis and that I had a registered medical marijuana card. They told me that it wouldn’t be a problem; however, when it came to the drug testing part, it became a problem. This lead to me having a bad rep with the school. The more I wanted to fit into the system, the more the system wasn’t for me. Everyone wanted to be normal; this was my regular. This thing call self-love or self-worth became a distant memory. The more I cared, the more I didn’t care. I remember a time I was doing rotation, and the patient came in with a broken arm; she was in much pain. One of the techs there was talking to her like she was stupid. She kept on elaborating to him that she understands the medical terminology. Being so burnt out from the job, he didn’t empathize with her. He Treated her like another task. Being in her shoes, I apologized on his behalf. She cried. She then thanked me. Sometimes caring too much can hurt. The more you care, the more the heart will get hurt. I ended up getting expelled from that school, due to my emotional state.

    The manic stage

It was a hot summer day; I haven’t slept in 48 hours high off my mind. I smoked another joint with the intent to sleep. That was when it all started. I started shivering, and I kept hearing noises inside my head. I close my eyes and started seeing patterns and shapes it. The best way I can describe it was that it looked like a dragon; it was vividly red and bright. The dragon seemed not to like me. For the first time, I had an adverse reaction to cannabis. Not understanding this feeling losing control, I ended up sleeping it off. One night I watched John wick; this is when it all went wrong. I started going neurotic. Feeling like I didn’t fit into a system smoking my life away, that there was something out there trying to kill me. When you suppress emotions for far too long, they come out and play. I tried to rebuild relationships with people that I thought needed to it; what is in the past is in the past. The more you think things need fixing, the less they don’t, some things are just there to teach us a lesson.  

           The end

The mind is the powerhouse of the whole body. The less you love yourself more, the more hurt you will get in life.

Published by BEYNYC

Healing starts with you

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