Every person you meet is a novel. Some are difficult to read; others have pages ripped apart from past damage. Some even fabricated to fit a narrative that pertains to where they are now.
It’s been four years since I was cancer-free, today I shared it with people. There was a push back from within myself in fearing being judged. My cancer isn’t for anyone to understand; it is for me to have gratitude for life, and share a face that some people never get to see the winning side of cancer.
It was a blessing having a support system put into place. So many people fought to keep me alive. I don’t always show appreciation. I got lost in negative thinking. It’s hard when talking about the past. A big part of me understood what it was like going through everything. Don’t look to be understood; look to understand.
When I was battling cancer, my cousin died. His death was the first time I experience death after going through my cycle of destruction. I don’t want to get into too many details, and I finally understand what I didn’t want to be after seeing him die. I felt first hand his pain of being misunderstood, trying to be accepted by a society that would label him.
I am not making excuses for myself, nor am I justifying my action based on my experience. All I can speak of is that cancer wasn’t something easy it was a lot of numbing. I don’t know how I feel about still.
It’s been four long years, writing this now, I feel numb; there is nothing that the past can show me that I haven’t seen. If you are one of those people that tells someone to move past it you are better now, do me a favor think before you give advice. Feeling numb to something is okay.
When you become self-reflective on what made you the person you are today, where you go wrong is when you blame others for making you the way you are. You didn’t have a choice if you didn’t know any better. Just move past it and look for greater things. People you love will hurt you, and you will do the same that is all part of the process of self-discovery. You can go on living a life of never finding out who you are and die. Don’t die without realizing who you were and how this world will remember you.