Life gets better. Life gets better. Life gets better. Those are the words I need to hear. I thought I already experienced this worst part of my life, I have met a lot of people these past four years. Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months, months turn to years. Life gets better.
As a kid I never thought for myself. The kid is me had to protect himself from a life of hurt. Never really understood what it was like to love and never saw love for what it is. “Hold up a second before you judge me. I am different, I am not you and you are not me. So spare me the bullshit of telling me man up. I feel different feelings that I can express.”
Self expression is the key to life. This tough guy mentally that most men face is a bullshit mentality. We are told that men don’t express themselves, that we are supposed to remain grounded and be the providers. Some men have a soft spot for life. Others don’t maybe it was them lacking the affection of something in their life.
I have been really confused lately. I have been struggling with self acceptance, I thought life after cancer, life would have been a lot easier. The tangled words turn into pain. I self sabotage my self rather than empower myself at times. Maybe it’s the child in me that is waiting for approval. I am a grown man now. Not a child anymore.
There is no room for error, I am on the verge of losing myself by staying true to myself. It’s been a good four years of me sharing my story, In trying to find out what it is that makes me happy. My core values are to remain true to the people who stuck by me through thick and thin. My day one supporters.
Mom and Dad, even though we don’t always see eye to eye, I see the hurt in your eyes. I see the disappoint of you guys wanting the best for your kids, I see all the sacrifices you guys made to give us a better life. I can’t wait to raise my kids with the same morals that you guys installed is me. Not all but most.
To my only friend in the world, Anastasiya. I usually only write you name in full when I am mad at you. This time I am not. I know that I let you down so many times in the past. I know you want what is best for me and what is best for our future. We grow up to broken kids, now we are two broken adults. You have your shit together. I don’t. You held it down for me when I needed it the most. You showed me love when I didn’t even understand what love was. For that I will always love you and just know that I am working on beco
In the process of self discovery you’ll end losing a lot of people in your life. Doesn’t mean that you don’t love those people just mean those people have no place in your growth. From my own personal experience, People that talk about other people aren’t the type of people that you want around. Those are the same type of people that would talk about you when you are not around.
This may sound like I am rambling, there just has been a lot on my mind lately. Trying to make a name for myself through photography and through writing hasn’t paid off yet.
The best art comes from pain.