How I survived Cancer.
One way of how I survived cancer was letting go of all my old ways. In trying to let go of all my old ways, I got a bit tangled up. My ego is a fighter. My spirit is a child that fears. I am a Libra which represents balance, yet I had no balance.
Ever since I was a kid, I used my imagination. During Cancer, I was never worried about the chemo itself; I was more worried about my fantasy madden team. The child in me wasn’t pure. I grow up become him. He turned into this fighter.UNPURE FIGHTER. There was a civil war inside me. My good and bad fighting each other.
Let’s back track to before cancer. Low-self esteem and cancer don’t go hand in hand. Not knowing better of my past mistakes I opened up to world. My whole world came crashing down on me. I think I am a very logical person. A lot of people have there own agenda in this world. My agenda is to make this world a better place. Cant make this world a better place if I am not better. I love life. I get lost in life. I try and make everything around me happy to only feel lonely. This lonely child is a scared child. Never felt before. Ran and ran until one day I got tired of running.
I used to look up to this one person. This person was blood. In going through our own fights we tried to rekindle things. To only find out his foundation are still the same and mine are completely different.
My fighter is a person trying to be understood.I found this really amazing therapist. That I am starting to trust. I can’t trust no one not even myself at time. I react to a feelings. My fighter won the fight cancer. The fighter came from the child feeling like he was so misunderstood. This child wanted to be loved. Fuck being a man. Fuck being anything. I am a person that just want to enjoy life.
Family was here I was blinded. She was there and I WAS BLINDED. She is my everything. I used to never feel that way. I wanted the cake and extra. Youth is where we learn most of what we know now. If you have any-sense of self awareness you will start to blameing yourself for all of your actions. I was feeling guilt of never loving the people that loved me. MAN FUCK THIS YOUTH TALK. Look up to the people that really matter not the ones that have their best interest at heart. I was surrounding myself with people that wanted lust not love. When you have a good thing going for you don’t fumble it.
External family is family, Keep a distance. I mean it. Your valves might not add up. Have people in your life that will love you for you.
Meaning have people who will love your worst side. I screamed and fought to get to where I am. The ones that never cared made up this weird illusion of who I was. The one that did got to see this side of me.
Over the past weekend, two opportunities presented themselves to me: to follow a job and get back into the system or trying to fill a void of emptiness. Love is not always equal. I find myself lost in expressing what I want to say. I opened up to so many people, while I should have been only opening up to one. This one wasn’t really understanding me because I wasn’t understanding her. Life after cancer gives you a whole new perspective on life, as well as a lot of shame in feeling like you’re not worthy of what you’re becoming. A lot of us don’t understand what love is, maybe because we never understood what love was. Love is a four letter word; so is hate. Only thing is that love and hate are complete opposites but with loving something so much, it can turn into hate. Too much of anything is bad. I thought I loved outside people to only find out I was getting trapped in my own head. Right now on the phone, I have the only thing I ever loved helping my lost mind figure out its middle ground. When I felt like I couldn’t talk to her or express who I was, or when I felt like I lied too much in my past, that love turned to hate so I tried to fill this void with other people. Other people don’t love you, they love you for what they think you are. She loved me for everything.